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Alas - I missed it. The six millionth prophecy went to some other Infernal Servant. Bless.

In any case, I shall continue.

And now, I Prophesy!

Snacks.

Many of you may have asked yourself the following question: why is it that things that taste the best are invariably bad for one's health? Why is it that all of the most delicious things make one sick? Why couldn't "Doritos" and "Twinkies" be good for one instead of being extraordinarily detrimental to one's well-being?

It may come as a shock to you, but the answer to all those questions is this: it is because of Lucifer, the Dark Patron of All Things Unholy.

At this point, some of you may be about to leave the article. "Of course it's the Devil. Who else would it be?" What you do not know is that what happened was almost completely independent of Him, and in fact he did not intend for it to happen at all. Since now you have decided not to "Surf" away, I will detail the exact events.

When it all began, every food tasted just as good as your "Twinkies" or "Doritos." When that careless couple in the Great Green Place Whose Name We Do Not Mention first became sentient and sapient, every little thing they put in their mouths produced the same euphoric effect as do the "Junk" foods of today. This was how YHWH designed the worl😛 exceedingly simple. As long as the couple ate, they would be happy and fully nourished. At least that's how he wanted it to be.

There was one apple tree in the GGPWNWDNM that he simply could not turn into his perfect food. As such, he told the Holy Duo that it was forbidden to eat. "Obviously, the tree has been under Lucifer's influence!" he told them (it had). When finally a tricksy snake (not at all an agent of My Master's, just a random snake) convinced the Woman to eat of the fruit, it tasted exceedingly bad. It wasn't delicious, nor was it even nutricious. (The apple was, in fact the original "junk" food.) So shocked was this Female that she took the rest of the Infernal Fruit back to her Counterpart, to show him its wickedness. He ate of the Apple. He, too, was astonished. They would never have eaten of the tree again, really. If Jehovah had left them alone, everything would have been peachily simple. However, he found out about the Eating, and he was angered by their insolence*. He decided to kick them out of the Paradise he put them in. The only permanent way to do that, of course, was to change the taste and mineral content of all foods, forcing the petty humans to eat all sorts of food in order not to die of malnutrition.

(The Apple, of course, is unchanged to this day. You may think it tastes rather good, but that's just because everything else tastes similar by comparison. You poor folk have really no idea what "scrumptious" truly entails.)

So, you see, while it was because of El Diablo (he messed with that Apple tree), it was in fact his former "Superior," your "Lord," that everything tastes so dreadful.

Thanks, Jehovah!

Okay, an actual prophecy now:

I'm sure some of you have been thinking the above is not a prophesy, but more of a revelation. You're absolutely right. The prophesy this week is quite short, so I decided to relate to you an anecdote. This is the prophesy:

Snacks will increase in deliciousness over the next few years, creating more gluttony.

That's all.

-Marquis.



*Editor's note: To be fair, I would've done the same thing. I think those stupid Humans got was coming to them.