Presidential Debate Shocks Audience To Boredom

Day 1,135, 22:09 • Published in USA USA • by SamWystan

Issue 24
"This paper endorses killing baby Jesus." ~Seamus Harper, Great American


UIP Presidential Debate Lackluster
The United Independents Party held its presidential debate tonight, between candidates Inwegen (Una.) and Haliman (USWP). For the most part, the debate dragged on like a corpse being carried by its murderers (in this case Athanaric and Kazeal Sozak) until it reached the warm embrace of the river it was to be dumped in, which unfortunately took far too long to reach. Numerous spectators drifted off to sleep upon hearing debate over PANAM for the thousandth time.


(The Fieldist soldiered on when the rest of the audience gave up)

If there was one thing which matched the tedium of the debate, it was surely its inanity; best characterized in the following exchange: Mr. Inwegen replied to a question, Mr. Haliman was then refused a rebuttal, and then Mr. Inwegen was offered one. He refused, since in effect, he would be rebutting himself. The Fieldist sincerely wishes we made that up.

Perhaps the most inane aspect of the debate was the sameness of the candidates, who varied perhaps only in their party affiliations and Mr. Haliman's choice of two Secretaries of State. All in all, it played more like an hour and a half marathon than an actual debate. Still, far better than last season's debate; in that a poke in the eyeball is better than a kick in the nads.


t'jelle-ERX Collapse Threatens International Banking
The major stock exchange ERX collapsed, following what Chairman AidenAstrup attributed to processing errors, the closing of the Federal Reserve, and a final two-day run on the t'jelle Bank which finished off the ERX. It's a confusing chapter for those who are just learning about, one which The Fieldist has been unable to unravel.


(We definitely know something is broken. Here's an image illustrating that)

Instead, noted Irish Leftist Chris Cuthbertson has referred to the t'jelle-ERX collapse as "the largest heist in history" which leaves The Fieldist believing that eRep's criminal element is entirely unable to swindle banks. For shame, criminals, for shame.


Phoenix In Disarray
Tattered remnants of the once-great successor alliance to PEACE Global Community known as "Phoenix" are all that remain. Serbia and Hungary have swiftly pulled out, leaving behind the traumatized ruins of what people once agreed was a "pretty attractive alliance" that people "totally wanted to be inside". Said the president of a small nation, who refused to be named lest Serbia and Hungary come after him, "Phoenix used to be really hot. But since they got through with her, well, it's like, she's just not as hot anymore"


(This is only tangentially related, but let's pretend Phoenix are the Blacks, and Serbia and Hungary are the Jews. Although they probably don't want to be either)

In the meantime, groundless speculation has arisen that EDEN will collapse, which would be shocking news to EDEN if anyone could find where they are. Rumors have existed for months that EDEN's strategy is merely a big map of the world with EDEN commanders throwing darts at it to determine the next invasion. Others are convinced that EDEN is already dead.

The USA and Brazil also cemented their place as a "third voice" today by signing the PANAM Charter, which many have agreed is probably important.


Claire Littleton
Claire asked me the other day why I don't publish articles about her. I said, "Claire, clearly you don't read my paper." And then she slapped me and told me she avidly read it. Since hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, I chose not to argue.

Instead, I decided to write down this list of Claire Littleton stuff.
-Claire is so dangerous that both the Feds and the USWP are afraid she'd use their party lists for her own advantage.
-Claire is a CIA agent. But what does CIA stand for?
-Claire once killed a man. Scratch that, Claire kills men. Also, a few women. I'll leave you to imagine how.
-Rape is not a joke.

I like Claire Littleton, and think she's generally well-liked among people. She's certainly reach America institutional status. Like Jewitt. Having a Libertarian Party without Claire would be like having a pool without water.

Wow. Maybe I should stick to jokes.

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