President Richardson: “US Army needs Ostrich Cavalry!”

Day 596, 09:45 • Published in USA USA • by M. Antonius Olivo

In one of the most novel and bizarre reform propositions in recent military history, President Harrison Richardson today called for the raising and training of an entire division of Ostrich Cavalry troopers to supplement the Army National Guard in homeland defense.

“Fielding a division of Ostrich Cavalry in the US army is not only a logical and innovative, but it is inevitable,” said President Richardson. “These troopers will be able to more effectively patrol the porous US-Mexico border and prevent illegal immigrants from stealing jobs from hardworking American families.”

Richardson pointed out that ostriches need less water than horses and would be able to navigate the desert fauna more effectively than horses since they are adapted to the dry scrublands of Africa.

“Additionally, feeding them would be cheap, since the southwest is know to have piles of birdseed lying about all over the place with convenient signs that read ‘free bird seed’ right on them.”



IS HE THINKING OF THE ROADRUNNER CARTOONS?

Richardson cited the threat posed to our border area by devious coyotes with access to high-tech weapons.

“Just recently, I saw a documentary on Nickelodeon about the threat posed by these coyotes. One of them had a giant slingshot of some sort, and another was on roller-skates and had strapped himself to a rocket. Each and every time, an ostrich managed to outwit or outrun these coyotes. Imagine the threat that these coyotes would be if their weapons ever fell into the hands of terrorists!"

"I think it is high time that we draft the natural enemies of the coyote, the ostrich, into the service of Uncle Sam.”

President Richardson then concluded the press conference by showing everyone a photo of Jessica Alba for no apparent reason.

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