One Day at ONE HQ

Day 1,252, 22:23 • Published in USA Ireland • by Fitisin
ONE HQ Daily Log:

0400 - ONE battle staff members awake and begin the hours long process of preparing their traditional breakfast of boiled cabbage stuffed with Dreams of Innocent Children.

0415 - Commotion outside followed by Native-American war whoops. Guards turn only to see Bear Cavalry members waving the scalps of Hungarian soldiers as they return from their mission.

0445 - Word has reached headquarters that the feared Seal Team 6 is setting the countryside aflame and leading their recently conquered territories into open revolt.


So many Serbs, So little time...

0630 - Bright flashes along the distant horizon herald the long-range artillery fire about to strike along the front lines...brought to them courtesy of the Red, White and Blue - Americans awake, head to the battlefields and pull the trigger.


Lead for Breakfast, Bitches!

0900 - Terror strikes the hearts of Freedom's Enemies as waves of Ultramarines stream onto the battlefield. Their Omega symbol giving notice that ONE's dreams of global hegemony are at an end.


Read Between The Letters

1245 - As ONE soldiers eat their beet sandwiches for lunch, loud arguing and the creation of new spreadsheets hail the arrival of the eUS Armed Forces, dubbed by their French Allies the Armee des Infantile. The eUS Armed Forces, led by officers picked for their friendships with chest-thumping politicians, shake out their battle lines. Following several long speeches...they ceremoniously, as their logo symbolizes, turn inward and shoot each other with low caliber weapons. ONE soldiers chuckle and return to their sandwiches.


Official Military my Serbian Poophole! ha ha ha...

1330 - Their mirth is short lived as the citizen soldiers of Easy Company leap from their concealed positions and open fire. Pandemonium breaks loose as the US Mobile Infantry charges ONE's increasingly isolated headquarters. ST6 links up with elite Croatian warriors, led by Romper. Serb and Hungarian forces see him and soil themselves.

1600 - Avruch, the US Secretary of Defense strides from his official eUS helicopter. His avatar blazing in the anime...I mean the afternoon sun, his boots freshly shined by deershark (cleaning boots is the only suitable occupation for someone so badly beaten in his re-election campaign). He implores his well-fed officers to lead the surviving troops of the eUS Armed Forces onto the battlefield. After several requests were made to Congress for permission, Avruch hands all of the eUS Armed Forces' golden ammunition to Colin Lantrip who blazes a trail of fury and destruction into the heart of the enemy. His subordinates bravely submit a resolution to Congress praising Colin's efforts. Congress continues to this hour debating that resolution.

1800 - The sun begins its final descent, and a mortal chill fills the hearts of ONE's headquarters staff. Night is coming...and they know the famed, battle-winning, historic eUS Military owns the night.

1900 - eUS National Guardsmen lay down covering fire for John Largo who barrels into ONE's backfield, taking out their quarterback. Wait...wrong game, I digress.


John Largo!?! Break me off a piece of that!

1915 - The ground quakes with the disciplined, well trained troops of the United States Training Corps marching in unison towards the enemy. Under withering fire, they show their poise and level volley after volley at ONE's assembled hordes.

1930 - The Drum and Fife herald the arrival of the eUnited States Army. Rank after rank of America's finest fill the battlefield with cold steel pointed at the center of ONE's battle line. Cavalry units unleash Hell on ONE's flanks at the command of the eUnited States' Joint Chiefs of Staff. Like chess masters, the JCS has planned and sees the outcome of the battle before its even occurred. The evil ONE nemesis knows that the eUS Military - representing truth, justice and Happy Hour Specials lasting all night has only just begun its assault.

2000 - ONE soldiers tremble in their boots as eUS C-130 aircraft fill the night sky with the warriors of the Airborne. Their faces dripping with BBQ sauce, Airborne troops decimate the stunned Serb and Hungarian forces. Spanish and Polish troops surrender immediately, asking Airborne's elite whether they have any extra pulled pork or spare ribs.


BBQ this, Mu**a F**kah!

2015 - Though drained and exhausted, ONE's forces remain a potent force on the field. Their final hopes are dashed when a pillar of light descends from eHeaven and arranges itself into The Eagle, Anchor and Globe, the unmistakable symbol of the eUnited States Marine Corps.



Amidst the brilliance of tracer fire and barbecues blazing across the battlefield; the shadow of the Patron Saint of the eUS Military appears...



"Marines...my Brothers," the figure speaks...pointing its finger at the ungodly hordes of ONE assembled. "Kill them all."

2016 - It took scarcely one minute between Harlot's ghostly appearance and the destruction of Serbian and Hungarian forces. The eUS Military, along with ST6, the Ultramarines and America's truly brave and Free Military forces once again stand victorious.

2017 - Congress debates a measure to NE England that nobody gives a shit about.

The End.

Shoot Straight. Be Free. Fight for America.

Enlist in the United States Training Corps