Old Spice Man on Womens e-Issues, and e-Death.

Day 1,016, 10:15 • Published in Canada Canada • by William Duncan

Hello.

First.
I should explain my recent absence : In the last 14 hours I have rescued a litter of little, orange and white kittens from a pack of rabid, man-eating Grizzlies on the mountains of British Columbia, while mountaineering over to the State of Washington.

Do not be alarmed ! No kittens or Grizzlies were hurt ; in fact, after wrestling the Grizzlies' bodies, minds and spirits into submission to my will, we afterwards congratulated each other with manly gestures and grunts on one another's superb physical prowess. Furthermore, I personally delivered each of the ten kittens into the loving, nurturing hands of ten very sad and lonely orphans, who now have new-found meaing, hope, and promise for life.


Today I talk about women's e-issues, and e-death. While showering.





Sara writes :

Question: " [Dear Old Spice Man,]

I find your repeated and excessive exaltation of man and manliness to be at the expense of women's rights and the progress of the feminist movement! Your attempt to set-back the movement and centuries-long progress we've made is alarming, disgusting and disturbing! The only thing good about you is that pretty horse you sit on! Furthermore... "

... and it just keeps going on like this.

Answer:

Dear Sara,

First,
No. And no. And some more "no" : You are grossly mistaken about one, stupendously obvious fact : Can you not see that the horse is only pretty because I am sitting on it ! Thus, I am at once complimenting the horse's exquisite physique with my own, superbly-exquisite physique, while making the horse smell even better by lathering it with glorious, original Old Spice Men's Fragrance®.

See for yourself :


Beautiful ! I know.

Second,
Everyone knows that there are no girls on the internets ; therefore, it would be impossible that my superb manliness could offend any ladies - if such a thing were even thinkable!




This concludes all discussion on this subject.


Now! It's time for more realistic matters ; for example,

Tejiman writes,

Question: " Dear [Old Spice Man],

Can you die?"

Thank you Tejiman for your question ! I have gotten a lot of these due to the fact I continually ressurect from the dead.

To answer this question, see : Old Spice Man, Can you die?.


Furthermore :
When such a thing should happen, I also promise that it will be watched by all mankind live on glorious, High-definition, plasma-screen Television, and will be more viewed and watched than the Moon Landing, each and every Presidential speech, and all the Super-bowls, combined, and multiplied by 100.


OLD SPICE MAN's Conclusions :



Remember !

1. Horsies look far better when an Old Spice Man is sitting on them.

2. There are no girls on the internets.

3. Don't be fooled by lady's-scented body-wash masquerading as Old Spice® ! Only I am on a horse ; no one else is on a horse. Or a boat for that matter.

4. The rise of "Women's e-Issues" on the internets is due to an increase in men wearing lady's-scented body-wash, which, unfortunately, too many men wear to the detriment of their manliness. This is why I, Old Spice Man, am running for that most manly Office of President, so that our great country can smell once more like glorious Old Spice® !


I shall now proceed to take your questions.