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Fellow eIsraelis, as well all know, occupation may be imminent. In the next few weeks, it is quite possible that our defenses will break down, and the flood of FYROManian (FYROManiacs?) soldiers will drown us in their smelly, smelly man goo. And no, not the good kind of man goo.

This is the bad kind.

Here's the thing;

We will eventually be free. And presumably less sticky. But in order for that to happen, everyone will need to pull their own weight, regardless of your varying levels of obesity.

Therefore, I created this helpful "How To Guide" on surviving the occupation and making the transition from ordinary citizen to freedom fighter, to raving sex maniac then back to freedom fighter before sunset, before slowly settling back in to a good member of society.

Like nothing ever happened.

This applies to all countries who will get conquered eventually. It'll happen, and this is the definitive way to surviving your own respective occupation. In fact, not only is it the best how to guide on the subject, it's also the only one.

So I win by default, which is sort of like getting the privilege to eat the last cookie, but only because no one else wanted it because it was covered in disgusting man goo.

The bad kind.

Not the good kind.

Enjoy.



7. Sharing Is Caring

As part of the resistance, your are now an essential gear in the machine, a limb on the body that is our fight for freedom. It's up to you whether you'll be an important part, or the gooch.

Don't be the gooch.

Now, as a slice of our collective pie, you'll also have to share everything with your comrades in arms. That could be anything from your toothbrush to your girlfriend.

And maybe some of your herpes ointment. Lord knows we'll be needing that.

As anyone who's anyone knows, resources are key to an effective military campaign. Being occupied, we won't have access to important resources such as saltpeter. I mean, who doesn't use saltpeter on a daily basis? I know I sure do, I keep it right next to my hemlock, which is directly adjacent to my eye of newt.

Now, because resources are at such a premium, and we don't have those cool-ass replicators from Stark Trek, it is our job to pool together our essentials to become one, cohesive unit.

Of course, your superiors will have to take their fifteen percent cut, as is customary. It works in the animal kingdom. The female lions hunt, and the prodigiously intelligent and devilishly handsome male congressm...I mean lions, get first dibs.

So basically it's the Lion King, without Timon and Pumba.

So it's Hamlet.



6. It's Spelled "Guerrilla" Not "Gorilla"

Listen, I know we're involved in a resistance, and things are going to get dirty. I mean, really dirty. Like, inside of donkey's ass dirty (ass's ass?). Like, dirty as in Mr. Clean's rebellious daughter who named herself Hogshit and rolled around in mud and horse semen in order to "purge" herself of her father's pure inclinations. Yeah, that happened.

I mean, this is a resistance. We're talking your grandmother's Persian rug dirty. You know the one, which survived a sweaty trek through the desert with gypsies. Crazy horny gypsies that made sweet gypsy love on it at any chance they got, which was pretty much all the time. This rug, now pretty crispy, was then sold to your grandmother in a dirty shuk on the outskirts of some dirty Morrocan village by a man who was known only by Abdul.

Then your grandmother locked it away in her moist closet back in Whogivesashit, Nebraska, population: Negligible. In got all mildewy and gross and now you use it to scare little children on Halloween.

But freaking seriously, we're not backwards rednecks, we need correct grammar. It's GUERRILLA war fare, not GORILLA warfare. We're not fighting orangutans and spider-monkeys over who evolved better. This is not some bullsh*t Planet of the Apes reenactment.

Do I look like Tarzan to you? Sure, maybe the loincloth, but aside from that, I don't.

So, yeah. Grammar.



5. Respect Your Superiors

When your beloved homeland is occupied by dirty foreigners, nothing else matters besides for sticking together. And I mean that figuratively, not in your gross, perverse, semen sort of way.

For a resistance to function well, there can be no complaints, no disorderly conduct. And that means no more mouthing off to your superiors whenever something doesn't go your way.

"My soup is cold" or "My leg's a sick greenish color." or "Hey, that's MY wife!" Blah blah blah BLAH, the list goes on. It's disgusting.

You're disgusting.

By defying your superiors, you are defecating on your country. You don't want to be known as the Defecator, do you?

People don't build statues to people named "The Defecator." That doesn't happen. What will happen is your name will make schoolchildren giggle until the end of time, while you slowly rot in a prison cell somewhere over the rainbow.

So, essentially, by mouthing off to your higher-ups, you're basically an enemy of the state. It's pretty treasonous.

And I know that makes you feel dirty, so cut it out, you sick bastard.



4. Disrupt The Enemy

So, here's the situation. Your house was burned down by angry Bulgarians with a nut to bust. Those trigger happy bastards from the Balkans have just taken everything you love. So now, what do you do?

If you said "hunger strike", you might as well join the Bulgarians in the shameless orgy next to the burned down husk of your used-to-be home. I have no use for your civil disobedient bullsh*t here.

If you answered, "Well, I'd f*ck their shit up royally", thank you, you're on the right track. Part of being in a resistance is taking what's yours when you know it's yours.

And that means ruining the day of any occupying force you happen to come across.

Everyone has varying levels of acts of badassery they commit to for the cause. Stories of true valor and brass iron balls, wrapped in a charming yet dangerous gold-played sac of authority, occur all the time under the duress of invasion. Men are pushed to do things they wouldn't normally do. They do feats of supreme strength and what appears to be superhuman ability, and they do things they couldn't or wouldn't normally do had the situation been different.

Like, for instance, I was on patrol with this other guy last week. We were having a good time, laughing, drinking, operating dangerous weapons, you know, normal stuff.

So one thing led to another and I blew him.

I blame it on the occupation. Pushed me to my limits. It was all adrenaline, I promise. It's just that I'm so jacked up on this whole resistance thing and I just had to blow him.

Anyone would've done the same thing.

But yeah, disrupting the enemy, good. Blowing up train stations, poisoning their food supply, taking all the dice from their Monopoly games. Things that'll really piss them off.

Like, this one thing I do, I go up behind them and I tap them on the shoulder, but then I run back and hide, so when they turn around there's no one there.

It's hilarious.


3. Hit and Run is the Name of the Game

A resistance force can't beat an organized, well endowed military force head on, which is why we must use hit and run tactics.

Your mother must know all about these strategies, because I have been hitting that and running away after more times than I can count.

Anyway, if we use gorilla warfare against the enemy, they are sure to fall. We can present the guise that we are everywhere at once, and nowhere.

Except we're not nowhere, we're everywhere. And we watch you while you sleep.

Coincidentally, that's exactly why Mr. Clean's daughter ordered a restraining order on me. Tsk, tsk, she'll come around, the slut.

Hit and run attacks are key to success, because they make big progress with very little resources.

And they're good for my glutes.



2. The More Outlandish Your Clothing, The Better

Not only do we have to be the part, we have to look the part. We have to become one with the cause, and if that means wearing a ballerina's tutu and traditional Navajo headgarb into battle, so be it.

I personally go into battle stark naked, save for my underwear knitted from the white sinews of my enemy's organs, and my Trousers of a Thousand Cries, which were sewn together with needles made of human bone, forged in the depths Tartarus, specifically for me.

They are quite fitting, especially with my newly toned glutes.

Now, fear is a big part of the resistance.

Quick! Pop Quiz!

What would scare you more?

1. Dozens of fashion-conscious "smart" dressers throwing spears and daggers at your M1 Abrams
2. Hundreds of screaming men with warpaint in varying degrees of nakedness, screaming obscenities at the top of their lungs while also wearing the skulls of their fallen enemies, munching on the delicious femurs of enemies felled in battle

If you picked one, you're a lying liberal asshole, and you're trying to mess with my quiz by being "clever".

Stop.

The correct answer is obviously two. You'd piss and sh*t your pants if you saw that sh*t headed your war, don't deny it. Even the best of men would lose control of their bowels in a time like that.

Except for me. I had my bowels removed after an unfortunate skiing incident.

Those children will never be the same.

And last but not least,



1. Always Subscribe to the Written Word, the Best Source for Entertainment in a World Gone Awry

Studies have shown that resistance forces operation at 1000x their original operational strength when subscribed to the Written Word. That is a fact, you can't deny facts.

Not only is that a fact, but it is the most important fact of all facts.

It's science.

In a report by the, let's say a legitimate organization named after presidential hopeful Bob Dole, the Bob Dole Foundation for Foundating Stuff, they found that resistance forces win 100% of the time when subscribed to the Written Word. In addition, side effects include supreme feats of badassery and over the top action adventure, which is fun for all ages*

So subscribe, and win, if you love your country.

Or don't subscribe, reader.

Or should I call you, Defecator?


*Results may vary. In awesomeness.