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Perhaps you were on of many that turned their eyes to the recent election. It was not much of one- Gulden conceded midway through and the only votes against Oblige came to give Gulden second place or because the souls of the defeated Republican candidates are now supporting PTO.

But there is something you don't know- something that will rock this nation. I am here to inform you, so step up and become an Informed One. The government has a secret, and they don't want me to let it out. I know too much.

Oblige. Current President. Cool Guy.
This man has lied to you.

You might ask me, "Why?" Why would this man, this man I've voted for twice, lie to me? Why would he do this after all of those promises to make America unified? Lying unifies nothing.

Allow me to tell you how it started.

It was a mere two or three weeks ago. Oblige was on top of the world; a land-slide victory had affirmed him as dictator of the United States for years to come. He was the nation's most beloved man.

Read very carefully. Make sure you do not have anything nearby that you can choke on. If you're Cleveland Fleman's mother, then you may want to stop reading altogether.

If my memory serves, the day was bright and shiny. It is funny how those days tend to produce the antethisis of this. It was that day that Secretary of Defense Artela rushed into his office, visibly excited. The perpetual war continued as violently as ever, and Oblige had been working day in and day out to leave his mark on it.

Artela had found something that would change it all- a small vial of green, glowing material.

"What is it?" inquired the confused president.
"It is what will destroy ONE."
"Oh yeah?"
"Hell yeah!"
"What does it do?"
"It is a vial of liquid we believe will give our soldiers some awe-some abilities."

"Where have you found it?"
"When we went to shoo away that hobo Jude Connors that hangs around outside of the DoD's headquarters, we discovered he had been trying to smoke it. You already know we confiscate his drugs," Artela said with a chuckle.
Oblige and Artela fist bumped.
"How do you think it will help our forces, specifically?"
"Well...ehh... we're not exactly sure. We think it may increase strength by ten-thousand per ounce consumed."
Oblige looked up at Artela from his issue of Housekeeping Magazine.
"No one can have this power," he said, as shadows cast over his eyes and his expression soured. He snatched the vial.
"Get out."
Artela obeyed, and Oblige was left alone with vial. He was found later that day passed out in Rio de Janeiro, the glowing green ooze from the vial dripping from his lip and a dead Serb by his side.


Needless to say, the government kept this covered up. I just so happened to be detained for jaywalking (the US government is pretty strict) in the very military base Oblige was taken to for analysis.


Suck it, society.

When Oblige awoke, he was beyond crazy. I shudder when I recall that hour of madness... all I know is that I was the only survivor. Oblige was gone when I awoke, and I found the documents from this analysis. Apparently Oblige had become very powerful- completely immune to fire. Retardant if you will.

He went on to use these abilities to single handedly conquer Poland, but it was kept secret for a number of reasons. Oblige's power would've threatened the entire world. The blood on his hands would've threatened his reelection attempts. The military would be enraged to find out that Oblige could've given them this power. This is the highest of secrets in America, and you now know.

I immediately tried to get this out, with subtle hints. I would repeat the phrase, "Oblige is retardant," across IRCs, hoping someone would crack the code. It seemed so obvious- that Jude was smoking something that Oblige took to make himself the world's most powerful man and then destroy a whole country- and I was frustrated to no end.

Aeriala got the message, and ran against Oblige. He mysteriously disappeared shortly before the elections, but who cares? That's not the point.


The message is out people. Oblige is retardant. Don't let them lie to you anymore. They're going to try to stop me. To kill me. They can not stop us all. Go, spread the message (that means vote, sub, and shout this article tyvm).