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Dear Sweet America,

The time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of many things,
Of shoes and ships, of candlewax, of cabbages and kings.
Of why the sun is boiling hot, and why pigs have wings.


I look at the world around me, and see what I see. My people, we have fallen from a great height, and now lack shoes. This is a significant issue, and one that must be remedied sometime in the near to not so distant future. Additionally, we lack ships, transporting all our goods by air, and as such have missed out on the importation of candlewax from small Pacific islands without airstrips. You will also note an extreme lack of cabbage, which is directly proportional to the number of kings we have in this game, and may be influenced by the heat of the sun, though I believe if the cabbages can be restored, we can use them in a NASA funded project to provide pigs with wings. I see these things, and I know there is one thing I must do. I must be your President.

My first act as president will be to seize the shoes from every woman in America's closet, and begin a redistribution of the attire. It is well known that American women have shoes far in excess of their need, and it is time the government stepped in and put a stop to this selfish practice. Men and children wander the streets barefoot while women horde hundreds of sandals, tennis shoes, pumps, stilletos, boots, etc. No longer, America, for I will lead the charge, and end estrogen's brutal grip on footwear.


Another top priority will be to build a vast navy, bigger and more large then any other navy in the world. The purpose of this navy, unlike other navies, such as the British Navy, will not be to wage war. War, as you know, is expensive. Our treasury does not need the added expense of supporting our immense fleet, so instead the Great White Navy shall sail around the world, and pillage and plunder, providing us with a great deal of booty. The American Pirate Navy will operate independently of our military and militias, and will be placed directly under the command of Fleet Admiral Blackbeard, because the man knows how to get shit done.


The candlewax shortage now taken care of, my administration will turn its concern to the question of how to create flying pigs. Our leading scientists believe that if we can somehow reduce the Sun's temperature by -43 degrees Kelvin, the population of kings in this game will grow exponentially. Evidence suggests as monarchies expand, the demand for cabbages will rise. We believe that sometime in the 3rd quarter, the cabbage population will reach what has been dubbed the "Aerodynamicized Swine Generation Minimum" at which point pigs will gain the ability to fly, simplifying our transportation needs.

America, I will not simply lead you, but I will lead you greatly. With great courage, I will fearlessly commit brave, intrepid acts, dauntlessly overcoming the obstacles before us with the sheer force of my valor and pluck. So it is that I ask that you vote for me, Necros Xiaoban, to be your President in the election of June 2012. Together we will conquer all.


Signed,
Necros Xiaoban
June 2012 POTUS