Now onto business I’m a freelance PI at the moment and I have put some effort into digging up dirt on some of the other candidates in this election and what I found astonished me.
Alfa and Butjam have been hiding a wealth of secrets which make them not only unfit to be PM but also a danger to the nation and must be stopped.
Don’t vote Alfa
Q. Is he a real narwhal?
A. Well I can reveal he is actually a dolphin with a strap on <you see the level of psychopath we’re dealing with here
Q. Have you found any dirt on him?
A. yes he has a number of policies that he doesn’t want you to know about but here at the pikachu post we can reveal the truth Alfa wishes to ban the triangle (musical instrument)
Why does he hate triangles (the musical instrument) so much I have no clue but if your anything like me the scrapping of the triangle will mean that you don’t get to perform in you school bands performance of ‘everywhere I go’ (by Hollywood undead) and give a rousing 12 second triangle solo. I blew them away that day and to think that future generation of children might not get the chance to play the most revolutionary musical instrument of the 21st century (BC) just saddens me. In another note I have no clue on Alfas opinion on the shape triangle but I’m going to assume he hates them.
Don’t vote Butjam
Q. Does he have a butt?
Q. is there anything jammed up there?
A. yes 5 marbles please don’t ask how I got this information though
Q. does he have any unreasonable prejudices against a shape?
A. yes he hates spheres <making him unfit to run the country
For this I have a first-hand interview with the elusive captain
How and when were you promoted to captain?
I was a member of a drinking club IRL called the AlcoPirates in 2009ish. As the one with the best gargh I was promoted to Captain and was responsible for calming irate girlfriends and ensuring there was a steady supply of drink.
What are your feelings on shape prejudice?
I think it's a pimple on the arse of society. We're not living in the middle ages any more and people should be able to look beyond shape. Time and time again I see girls reject men for being too circular, this must stop.
Do you like my Arnie impersonation? *perfect Arnie voice* come with me if you want to live
Wow. I actually thought he was in the room with me! The way you just broke the neck of that terrorist added a certain authenticity too! 32/32
Are you Genesis keyboard player Tony Banks?
I wish! Since 1993 Phil Collins has had an injunction order placed on me so I couldn't be within 250ft of the band.
I actually played the keys with Right Said Fred. Easy mistake to make.
As you can see the man is clearly a genius and not electing him on the 5th would be mad.
Bribery: As the prospective MoPT (royal minister of pig taming) I will hold certain powers in the creation and distribution of bacon and all pig related food. And with that in mind FREE BACON to everyone when chaz gets elected.
Also I will increase the number of pig soldiers on the front line from 0 to 200.
So vote captain chaz on the 5th
Oh almost forgot the obligatory sexy picture!
Sexy tash sexy beard oooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah
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