No More Monkey Business!

Day 995, 04:21 • Published in Finland Finland • by Erwin Schauman


As we all know, the eRepublik Labs is currently fighting a desperate battle against hackers and cheaters in order to restore its image as a competent service provider. Well, when I say ”restore” I might be exaggerating a bit since they never had that image to begin with. Anyway, as we all also know, the battle isn't going very well for the admins..

So, to help the eRepublik co-owner, Mr. Lemnaru, in the grueling task of turning this sinking ship around, I present to him my master plan! Though, isn't the ship still sinking no matter which direction you point it... Well, nevermind. I never was any good at analogies.



Anyhoo, back to my diabolically ingenious scheme!

Now, I better first explain the premises: when you think of an admin, you imagine a sweaty, fat nerd with temperament issues born from years of being beaten behind the kindergarten by other kids... while he's attending the University. Naturally you don't have much respect for someone who doesn't please your aesthetic eye, or whom you see as a subjugated, spineless worm, right?

This line of thinking lead me to the following revelation – what if instead of employing emotionally crippled trolls, you hire employees that no one can possibly hate? All mistakes they make would be automatically forgiven as they melt your heart with pure, concentrated adorability! Impossible, you say? Not at all! I found the perfect employee!

My advice to fix all the issues that plague eRepublik is to replace the entire eRepublik staff with...

Queue intro music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3XAoIVinsY&


PYGMY MARMOSETS D'AWWWWW!!

Yes, Pygmy Marmosets! Just look at that 6 inches long fur ball! No, not the one in your pants. That's not even 6 inches. Don't flatter yourself.

I dare you to blame the Pygmy Marmoset for anything except for being too damn adorable! Can you imagine calling him an incompetent, cheesy, immoral and biased administrator with questionable sexual preferences and unhealthy addiction to alcohol? Could you troll him relentlessly with demands of Kosovo? Could you question the wisdom of his rulings? The answer is: no, you just hecking couldn't!

Look at this one!

Marmoset phone home!

Or this!


I can haz be wizard Marmoset!

Hi-la-ri-ous! Also: D'AWWWWWWW!

Adorability aside, I took the liberty of analyzing how well the Marmosets would fare in a human work environment by performing a series of tests to measure their skills and abilities, and then compared the results with other competing, potential employees.

The study gave the following results:



As we can see from the results, the Pygmy Marmosets did relative badly when compared to other primitive subgroups, such as the Bushmen of the Kalahari, but fared better than the eRepublik staff and the average internet troll. That might not seem like much but it's an indication of the Pygmy Marmoset's far greater potential as an employee than most of the studied subgroups.

In psychological tests, the Marmosets showed strong work ethics and quick decision making capability. They are natural born leaders (which shouldn't come as a surprise as they are, in fact, born in the nature). They were even studied to possess an exemplary sense of justice by sharing their nuts with each other. Occasional feces throwing did occur but not more than among the other test groups.

All in all Pygmy Marmosets were found to be highly competitive and industrious little buggers with high learning rate and unmatched puzzle solving skills. What more, they are willing to work for only a banana a day! Which, unfortunately, means that Mr. Lemnaru would have to double the salary he currently pays to his staff, but it's well worth the cost considering the boost in the efficiency and the ensuing hilarity.

And hey, Marmosets are sort of expected to monkey around so, unlike with the current staff, there's no need to cover up what these critters do. 😃


I compels yous to hire meh!

I for one welcome our new Pygmy Marmoset overlords!

Disclaimer alert: Don't drop water on them or feed them after midnight. Just don't do it.

-Erwin Schauman