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THE PHILIPPINES - Armed fighting has sprung up throughout several regions of the southernmost Philippine region of Mindanao, according to a news report in the left-wing newspaper, The People's Review.



According to the report, 5 major cities in the region have become hotspots in the armed struggle between revolutionaries, who have taken advantage of the recently publicized palace intrigue regarding the identity of the heir to the throne of Mindanao to topple the monarchy, and the Royalists who remain loyal to His Sultanic Majesty Prince Terence II, the current reigning monarch.

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The report continued that the national government has dispatched its armed forces to intervene in the regional coup d'état.

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In a statement given by National Defense Secretary Swagger McSwag to The Outisder, he was quoted as saying, "We have deployed selected elite troops of our military to reclaim my... no, I mean, bring stability to [Prince] Terence's kingdom."

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"We've deployed the Army Light Reaction Battalion, the Army Special Forces - Airborne, as well as members of the Naval Special Warfare Group to reinforce the Royalists and quell the revolution."



Sultan Prince Terence II's whereabouts are currently unknown.

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"We will find [Prince] Terence, whether dead or alive," assured Secretary Buena. "I gave special instructions to [General of the Army] cruelbear to leave no stone unturned in the search for the sultan."



Zombies

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"Due to the large number of casualties we foresee will result from this war, we anticipate... um, a significant rise in the number of zombies," said National Zombie Disaster Coordinating Council Director Paksenarrion. "We will exhaust any and all means to prevent a Zombie disaster from taking plac... OUCH, why did you bite me?!?!"

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February 9, 2010