My Pal Plato

Day 1,300, 10:42 • Published in USA USA • by Gnilraps


American Idol Entry Round 2
Day 1,300 of the New World
"You can learn a lot about a woman by getting smashed with her."
— Tom Waits
Though I sort of technically submitted one article already in the American Idol Competition: Round 2 – make fun of an oldfgt, no rule I can find stipulates that I cannot enter more than one article, and since my first submission made fun of me, and since I am more of an oldfgt IRL than in this game, I figured why not chime in about an actual oldfgt...

I’d be writing this regardless.

Today I’ve invited my old pal Plato over for a few drinks, and when he starts hitting on my wife I’m gonna tell him how I really feel about him. I want him good and drunk for this. Plato does the most outrageous things when he’s drunk and nobody wants to miss that. I might even fire up the spy-cam.

Here’s a photo from our last get-together which featured Absynthe and Ritz crackers (I save on snacks so I can splurge a little on the booze).

“Pull my finger if you think it’s real”

Yeah, I kind of like to get loose with the old bastard every now and then. But keep an eye on your younger brother if you know what I mean…

Spy cam photo of Plato at my Labor Day Blowout

Anyway, I’d invite some chicks but they never really pay much attention to me when he’s around anyway.

Which is their problem, really, and also brings me to my point.

Plato can’t be trusted.


close-up

You may not know this about him yet, but he’s one of those guys who’s all into that Multi-level Marketing crap. Stay away from those folks they are such inbox cancer. Constantly peddling products with more promise than payoff, then doubling the promise if you'll only start peddling it yourself.

Trust me. Get 6 beers down Plato and he’ll start waxing poetic about some revolutionary Laundry Detergent. He doesn’t give a shit if you buy it, he only wants you to find 10 other people willing to sell it. Or maybe not them either as long as they get a bunch of people too. (You get bonuses if you sign people up. It’s brilliant). Too bad the shit’s worthless.


Sad thing is, he had a real nice career at one point but then... I don't know it just seems like he lost it...

But who can hate an Amway salesman? We all need to scrap together a few bucks, right?

Problem with Plato is he doesn’t stop there.

I don’t know if he has a background in used car sales or what, but the dude is Mr. Bait and Switch.


Plato’s mean.

This one time? He invented a game that had all these different various facets to it. It was kind of like Dungeons and Dragons a bit in that you could choose your own path. Everything Rome Total War could have been without all the useless graphics.

Anyway, he gets a whole bunch of people hooked on this thing and then he starts switching out all of the variety. Next thing you know it isn’t Rome Total War at all, it’s checkers. You can be Black or you can be Red.


I’m not an octagenarian. I like options.

But Plato knows… If you are going to boil a frog, don’t drop it in boiling water. Put the frog in a pot of cool water and just raise the temperature steadily from there. Pretty soon the poor damn thing won’t be able to move a muscle.



Never mind all that my fellow eAnuranites. Nothing wrong with a warm bath…

Plus we have Dr. Victor Hutchison’s research into critical thermal maximum to comfort us. Plato’s just drunk, what does he know?

Actually, he’s more dangerous than he looks.

Oh I know he likes to show up at all the parties with that wacky helicopter beanie of his. What a goof!

But did you know that he is actually at the center of a gigantic Ponzi scheme?



Seriously. Like some kind of Bernie Pla-doff, he takes your money, promises a decent return, then just uses your money to attract more investors while he spends your cash on cocaine and strippers. And you don’t even get to watch.

Well, the good news is he likes his booze.

There is one little thing though.

It’s the most irritating little thing.

You know how the cops have this blue wall of silence? Yeah I hate that.
Plato is like, all, “don’t say this and don’t say that” as if the truth actually hurts.

...careful what you publish...

Eh, too bad for him. No wonder all the hot girls eventually move on. He really is a liar.

Well I gotta get back to making ready for our little shindig. Whenever Plato comes over I like to batten down the hatches if you know what I mean. The neighbor "gets it", so I move our valuables over there for the night (I have a 220 year old violin he’s been eyeing for years). I hide the really top shelf liquor because, well it’s only Plato. And if he thinks he’s getting his hands on my Partagas 150’s he’s nuts. My humidor’s got a lock. Strictly Dominican Maduro’s when Plato’s here (I like the Connecticut wrapper myself).

Just keep me away from the punch bowl, OK? Because when I’ve had a few too many? I start to say things I regret. Not a problem usually. Unless we are talking about my wife or Plato.

OK I’ll leave my marriage out of this, but Plato’s gotta be stopped.

Anyway, I must hasten. I gotta hide my porno collection, my Barry Manilo CD’s, and the Vaseline.


Dude is so predictable.

Good thing he appreciates me though, because some of this might sound spiteful if he didn’t know how much I really love the little prig.

Oh wait, this is still a parody of Plato, not Gnilraps...