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Day Zero of the New Authority


The Penny Paper has received the following transcript (along with one grainy picture) of a midnight press conference held in an undisclosed location by someone claiming to represent "The New Authority".




Hey, STFU. I'm trying to make an important announcement.


tap

tap-tap-tap



Hello?



Is this thing on?

Right. OK.

So listen up. Turns out President Glove's election was a take-over after all, but it had virtually nothing to do with ccc iNCi ccc, who are just a bunch of fun-loving kids who drink alot of coffee. The real deal is that the Socialist Freedom Party, with help from a bunch of radical former SEESniks loyal to the Dioist vision of world socialism, plus a few highly-intelligent robots, have saved the country from a nefarious plot.

[Thunderous applause!!]


Thank you. And thank Glove. Glove is Love.


Look, ummm, the following people have been identified as members of a anti-patriotic criminal gang. They are still at-large and should be arrested on sight:

* Harrison Richardson, who is the ultra-reactionary criminal leader of the anti-patriotic conspiracy
* Claire Littleton, his moll
* Chucky Norris, his consigliere
* George Armstrong Custer, who's just an old hippie who got swept up in it, but he pretends to speak for the military so we're rounding him up too just to be safe
* Cold Hearted Snake, a so-called "anti-elitist" who's really just a dangerous trouble maker
and
* George Pumpkinette, who's just plain crazy


Known accomplices of the criminal gang and their hangers-on will be served notice tonight, so there's no reason to be nervous. Just keep calm and carry on.

The New Authority has temporarily suspended Congress pending completion of these investigations, which will occur quickly and fairly. This is not joke like the "Frosty" Revolution. This is the real deal. Really. No, like rilly.


In fact, People's Trials for the criminals will commence promptly in the morning. Well, after brunch. Leniency will be shown to those who admit their guilt. Resistance is futile and will be dealt with harshly. If you got swept up in the web of lies, it's best to just go ahead and make a full inventory of your anti-people thoughts before your trial begins. Attempts to slow things down with long arguments and rants will not be tolerated.


OK. I have a few statements to read...

A-hem. [cough]


Revolutionary Youth! The future belongs to you. Don't hesitate to report any and all counter-revolutionary activity and reprehensible acts of old-fogeyism to the New Authority.


Citizens! Our great country is now named the United Socialist States of America (eUSSA). Please make a note of it. In fact, the country has always been named the USSA. Revolutionary historians are combing through the wiki as we speak to correct any historical errors.


Soldiers and Militia Fighters! Stay at your posts. The Joint Chiefs of Staff are in full support of the Revolution, as are the leaders of all the major militias. The country is in peril from both internal and external enemies. The NA is sad to report that the criminal and anti-patriotic plot headed by Harrison Richardson, aka "Franco", was aimed at undermining national unity, destroying the military, and ratting out operational secrets to the enemy -- all this just for the sake of convincing George Lemnaru to give him the time of day.


[sigh...]

Makes you feel powerless sometimes, doesn't it? Well, don't worry. The NA is here to help.

Yeah, so it turns out HR's really a teenage Polish girl who's infatuated with George L. In fact, HR's been plotting for years to make over our great country into a kielbasa factory in the hopes that that would somehow get George's attention. Which explains a lot of strange goings-on, doesn't it?

So please be on high alert for any attempts to disrupt national unity in the coming days. It's all HR's fault. Others have simply been misled or swept away by HR's strange obsession.

We expect prosecution of the criminal gang to wrap up quickly, then we can commence kicking the snot out of the Indonesians and Poles.


Oh. One more thing...


The New Authority has discovered that all of this making fun of Ataturk stuff was instigated by a cabal of Polish spies and infiltrators. We also have reports that Ostin and other Indonesian leaders have been going around chat rooms and forums for days now saying "Galatasaray sucks". Members of the Owl Militia are hereby encouraged to direct their just wrath at these Polish and Indonesian trouble-makers.


OK. That's it. Now go raise hell, y'all.





Is it off now?

'kay. I'm outta here.