Liaoning Hangover, X-Mas Bikini

Day 763, 15:23 • Published in USA USA • by Joey Jackson
Well, I am still recovering from the party that ensued after the Liaoning battle.

I forced opened my eyes, still in a haze. I scanned the room slowly, as I lay on the marble floor, to determine where the hell I was.

The last thing I remembered was leaving a small bar in Jinxi in search of some real entertainment.

Before I had full realization of my whereabouts, the next sense that kicked in alerted me to the small fire that was slowing burning in the bathtub. I was back at my hotel room. I walked around the corner, avoiding the puke in the hallway, and peered into the living area. I noticed a passed out midget dressed up like a cowboy curled up under the hood of the piano covered in spaghetti o's. His snoring sounded like a combination of a lumberjack ripping through a cypress tree and an elk giving birth. I moved throughout the suite into the sitting room and found the rest of my platoon hugged up on a stuffed giraffe and what appeared to be several members of a bachelorette party.

I finally realized my head felt like a blender pulverizing a hand full of nails, so I walked into the kitchen to grab a beer. After pounding my Jinling beer I gazed over on the counter and I saw a dozen or so free drink vouchers for the club 桶舌頭, "Bucket of Tongues." Without disturbing the rest of my platoon, I wet my hair in the sink, to make it appear like I just got out of the shower, and left the room for the lobby. I figured the concierge could fill in the rest of the missing pieces.

I was on my way down the hallway towards the hotel lobby, I passed an open door to the ballroom and out of the corner of my eye I noticed something wasn't quite right.

I looked in and I thought to myself, "please don't let that be our handy work."

I inched closer to the entry of the large elegant lobby as the back side of the concierge came into view. Without moving any closer, I sat and watched his colorful body language. He was irate. And he was talking to somebody. I moved closer to get a glimpse of who he was talking to, it was the Chinese Police along with the American ambassador.

It finally came to me, after leaving the Jinxi bar we wanted to come back to the hotel to pick up our free drink vouchers and on the way we met up with the bachelorette party. After telling them about our plans to visit the Bucket of Tongues Club, they decided to join us. Before we even made it back up to the hotel room to grab the vouchers, we were invited to sing the night away with a bunch of Chinese businessmen in the hotel ballroom.

Everything was going fine until one of my platoonmates thought it would be a good idea to sing "Everybody Have Fun Tonight" by Wang Chung . . . buck naked. The song infuriated the Chinese businessmen and a riot followed. By some chance my platoon managed to duck out the back with the bachelorette party and up to the hotel suite. By the time the police arrived we were long gone. The police didn't believe the businessman's story and they were all hauled of to the clink.

Now, it's time to make the same great escape, just in time for our march to Hello Kitty.


Merry X-Mas to my RIBW subscribers!


Naughty or Nice? . . .


. . . Naughty


Rhode Island Bikini Watch, consider it a Christmas bonus.