Insert Clever Witticisms Here

Day 1,204, 20:29 • Published in USA USA • by Heather Fuchs

First order of business: Congratulations to MI Lieutenant n4n0 who was not only the only person to guess at the made-up question in last issue’s interview, he also got it right! I guess even a broken clock is right twice a day.


Some culture for you, dear readers

The made up question was :
Where do you live in RL?
I’m originally from Boston, but I moved to Idaho a few months ago and am currently working on potato research there in an advanced biotech lab.
Greenday's from NJ (corrected for life-fail, since it was sooo important to him), but right now he's in sandy, beautiful Afghanistan.


n4n0 has received a shiny Q5 weapon for his troubles. Watch carefully in the next interview for yet another contest!


This week it’s time to Choose Your Own Article! Below you will find headlines and partial story bodies designed to educate, inform, and perhaps influence the reading public. Or maybe they’re just stupid. Anyway, choose one from each section, and you’ll have yourself an informative, insightful look into the inner workings of the Mobile Infantry (and by that I mean the diseased mind of its press officer).




[] PRESIDENTIAL LOVE CHILD FOUND
Mother claims twins “Jacket” and “Socks” are little POTUSes

[] SHINY THINGS LESS DISTRACTING WHILE UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF CRYSTAL METH
Researchers still trying to find actual data due to constant distraction of lab explosions

[] REVOLT IN LIBYA THREATENS EREPUBLIK GRAIN ECONOMY
No one uses oil anyway. Moving tickets, feh.



[] Dateline: Nairobi, Kenya, 1600 Zulu. After weeks of house-to-house fighting, the crack Second Division of the Mobile Infantry has found the sacred banana believed to have given recently retired Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff jankems both the power of speech and his famed shiny white hair. An embedded shaman/mystic believes the banana to be partly responsible for the recent spate of loquacious monkeys that seem to be running things in certain parts of the world. When asked for comment, the shaman replied, “Oook, eek! Oook ugga uga urp!” and then proceeded to scamper off into the jungle.

[] Dateline: Jakarta, Indonesia, 1356 Zulu. During a recent resistance war, a lone Indonesian third-grader with a 14-year-old laptop was discovered to be the mastermind behind the recent declaration of war against the eUSA. Apparently, this child unknowingly possessed the password to the presidential account and pushed the button thinking that it was a click-through ad for Wizard 101. The child is reported to be disappointed that he did not get the free “Battle Hero” familiar pet for his character and is considering a lawsuit. He has secured representation with international law firm Dewey, Cheetum and Howe, and his lawyer, one Apu Nasahimapetilan, offered only promises that all would be explained later, and then he gave out coupons for free Blue Squooshies.

[] Dateline: Topeka, Kansas, 0015 Zulu. MI Quartermaster General Heather Fuchs instituted new rules for Mobile Infantrymen (and women) receiving supplies for their daily fighting. Among the new requirements were (1) all requests must be made in gold-leaf calligraphy on 15 mil cardstock, (2) requests for supplies must only be made between the hours of 1532 and 1537 eRepublik time, and (3) only tiger blood will be used in the MI commune commissary so that all food produced in the communes would lead to an increase in winning. Several soldiers responded to these new requirements by purging themselves of toxins using only their brains, and a few were seen trying to put saddles on bats so that they could equip them with pigeon riders armed with little Q1 weapons.








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That’s all the news that’s print to fit. Have a safe journey.



Click on the link to join us!


If you are at least 5 days old, your strength is at least 300 and your battlefield rank is Lieutenant or higher (or you can do at least 65 influence per fight barehanded) and you like pie as much as we do, you too could be a member of the Mobile Infantry!!!


If not, then get your military career started in the Training Corps!


Respectfully submitted,
Major Spamgobbler
Press Officer
eUS Mobile Infantry