Imperial Party to the Stars!

Day 5,397, 04:17 • Published in Canada Canada • by Wilhem Klink

Imperial Party of Canada, hear me now and believe me later.

You may have heard of the Great Exodus. Some parties may leave en mass for another eCountry where beer and wine flow freely, the natives are all moderately attractive, slightly overweight, and not particularly discerning where they will be hailed as their elite of the elites.

Big mistake, buddy

Other parties have developed a taste for the motion of the ocean (if you know what I mean), and have slipped into something wet (if you know what I mean) and ride the cresting waves (if you know what I mean) until crashing onto shore (if you know what I mean) in exhausted completion (if you know what I mean) 😉.


What I mean, you filthy-minded hooligans

Still other parties want to flee the surface of this orb and live in the supposedly soft & gooey center of the planet far from the reach on the Undead Elites on the surface and their mind -control powers.


They even have a book!

But they all have failed to grasp the entirety of the situation: the undead elites can follow you anywhere on this planet whether it be a nation full of dupes that unwittingly let in a PTOs worth of shifty individuals from a suspect country; or a watery playground where Poseidon's right-arm Quimby rules the waves with a mighty trident; or the creamy, nougat-filled center of the earth where strange beasts mingle with spear-wielding scantily-clad B-Movie actresses. No. None are safe on (or under) this plant. Which is why, my IPC friends, we must take transports to the Moon and establish an off-world Utopia! Its a pretty basic plan of lunar conquest. I mean, look up nearly any Plan of Lunar Conquest and they all have the same main blueprint. Let's not reinvent the wheel.

As with any good plan, we must first arrange transport with a sweet rocket ride


What is that? A rocket for ants? Its going to need to be at least... three times bigger


There ya go

So we fill it with kerosene and liquid oxygen (please no smoking and no fooling around with the liquid oxygen, its not there to chill your beer), point it at the general vicinity of the moon, climb on in, irreversibly ignite the fuel, pull a couple of Gs, throw up a little (optional), and moon base here we come! Nothing can stop us now.


ok, hold up

We should be to the moon in 4-5 days so we'll need to bring some snacks. Tang (obviously), Moon pies, vegan moon milk, maybe a nice cheese platter, maybe some deviled eggs. Second thought, no on the eggs. Delicious but way too smelly for our rocket. Not like we can open a window or anything. After a couple of light meals and some naps, we'll be orbiting the moon ready to land.


Wait, that's no moon

We'll plunk the rocket on the nearest crater and get ready to disembark.


Eye say. Spot on

Once we're ON the Moon the fun begins. We start to build our moon base utopia freed from the mind-control of the elites (and the hunger of the pesky Undead Elites). I think we can source everything we need right on the moon. According to numerous documentaries I've watched (Space 1999, Moonbase 3, etc) there's lots of buildings up there.



We'll of course need to deal with the native moon inhabitants, hidden by the fake Moon landings. You know, its the usual assortment of prehistoric dinos, escaped nazis, and massive subterranean sandworms (hint: walk without rhythm and it won't attract the worm). But really, any new place needs a little sprucing up. I mean, there's 11 in the party and the moon isn't THAT big. So one tenth of the moon per IPC member ought to do that (Party Prez hellzfire312 can supervise). So, like, 5-6 hours per person. Bam! Lunar paradise.


Be sure to bring the Raid


A nazi riding a dinosaur. A two-fer!

So join with me in claiming the moon as our natural birthright far away from the mind-controlling horde. Once again I'll lay out a fat 69cc for each IPC member that joins me in our moon shot. There's definitely a better than average chance of making it to the moon.

Lunar life awaits!