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I Swallow…The Red Pill

Ed. Note: In our last issue Rex was being dragged high and sans clothing through an airport concourse by a certain California governor in drag, who was intent on taking our hero to the ominously-named "Cacophony Society Headquarters." We find them now on the tarmac.

On the tarmac there was a space shuttle set in launch position. This seemed strange, even for San Francisco. "Hey Arnold, there's a space shuttle on the tarmac. Kinda strange, huh? I mean, even for San Francisco that's strange, don't you think?" It's astute observations such as these that make me the darling of the media and a favorite guest panelist on the McNeil-Lehrer report.

"Nein, it's not so vierd," mumbled Schwarzenegger. "I traded in my Hummer, and wit a few billion taxpayers dollars bought it from government surplus. Ve will need it to make our escape to Cacophony Society HQ on Mars!" Ok, the dress he was wearing freaked me out, and the whole shuttle thing was bizarre, but all this talk about some tinfoil hat society was giving me a nervous tic. "Yeah, about that," I said calmly, as I'm told you should always talk to humongous cross-dressing Austrian fruitcakes. "I'm not much of a society kind of guy. In fact, most say I shouldn't be allowed among polite society." That last part was true, which is why I've dedicated to living my life among impolite society. Have you met my friends? They're thisclose to flinging poo at each other.

He ignored me as we climbed the ladder and entered the shuttle, and didn't speak again until the hatch was closed and we were strapped in side-by-side and facing skyward. "Here are two pills, Rex, one is red and one is blue. Ja?" He held in his hand two pills, and sure enough, one was read and one was blue. Now, I'm not much of a pill-popper, but…aw, who am I kidding? I am SO a pill-popper! I reached out with the intent of gobbling them both down before he flung poo at me with his other hand. "Down, boy! Now listen, if you take da blue pill everyting about your eRep existence will continue as normal. Grown men vill argue long and hard about the value of imaginary gold. Teenagers vill scold you for your ignorance about virtual life! Children who haf neva held a gun vill mock your grasp of military strategy. You vill always be da most hated man in eRep because you do not fit in!"



Now he was getting personal, and freak of nature and steroids or not, I had to set him straight. "Whoa, whoa, whoa there Frankenstein. Hate me? Are you kidding? People penguin bowling LOVE me! I'm Rex Friggin' Object, self-described "most interesting man in the world!" That's when he looked me in the eyes, sighed and slowly shook his head. Was it possible? Do people really hate me? "Ok, so do people hate me like they hate Hungary, or like they hate Ajay Bruno?"

Another sigh. "They hate you as if you were Hungary and Ajay Bruno's love child. If Ajay Bruno and Hungary made a karaoke record together accompanied by a symphony of screeching monkeys, it wouldn't be as hated as you. When Hungary and Ajay Bruno hang out at the Big Jerk Clubhouse, they console each other with the knowledge that neither is hated as much as you. If Hungary and Ajay Bruno-"

"Ok, ok, I get it! I'm hated!" Jeez, some people don't know when to quit. "So what do I have to do to change their minds? Drink less? Drink more? My gut instinct tells me I should drink more." I instinctively reached for the flask of moonshine I keep in my robe, when I remembered that I was still naked.

"Nein! Take da red pill! If you take da red pill you vill see da citizens of eRep for vat dey truly are! Dey are people playing a game, and games should be fun, ja? No one is having fun right now, and so ve must free dere minds! So take da red pill, Rex, and let's GET YOU’RE A$$ TO MARS!!!" I took the pill, brought it to my mouth but hesitated before swallowing it. Was he right? Were eRep citizens too uptight? I mean, sure, those who routinely accused me (accurately, I should point out) of being drunk, high and lecherous were, but the majority? Oh, and not for nothing, but what would going to Mars solve in the greater scheme of-



That's when Schwarzenegger hit the launch button, and couple hundred thousand pounds of thrust pushed the red pill into my stomach, and my stomach out of my a$$. So, I was off to Mars and the Cacophony Society because, well, why the hell not?

Rex realizes that this storyline is getting a little weird, but asked that you stay tuned because…well, quite honestly it's going to get weirder. So, hey, subscibe now and revel in the weirdness!

Oh, and if you're a fan of weirdness, won't you please consider donating to the Cacophony Society? We pledge never to feed to hungry, heal the sick or build a Q5 anything! All we promise is weirdness, and lots of it.