Join the new world

I sit at my computer, staring at videos and reading articles to try and bring my mood up. Ever since you left me though, nothing has really been the same. I can’t watch the shows you watch or watch the same youtubers as we once did because it reminds me of a happier time. We liked each other because we had so much in common and now I am not sure what I like anymore. Thoughts of you start trickling in and I am left in a sour mood.

I get up from my desk and head toward the kitchen. A stack of unwashed dishes sit next to the sink. Maybe hard work will put thoughts of you out of my head. I run a sink and add some soap. As the steaming, frothy substance raises more, more memories of you rush into my head like the faucet. I set to work. I scrub harder and harder, trying my damned best to keep you out of my head. Visions of you just appear in the reflection in the bubbles and no matter how hard I try, your face is there mocking my attempt. With no more dishes to clean and thoughts of you fresh in my mind, I give up and retreat back to my desk.

You post stuff on your blog and your facebook showing how gay of a time you are having. You write open anonymous letters to me and saying as how I am always angry and that you are sorry for what caused the rift between us. Thoughts along the lines of, “you dumped me, I have every right to be as pissed as I want” and “Oh really, I wonder why?” pop up into my brain. Vile thoughts enter my head. The way and terms you left me; the way you seem to be so damn happy all the damn time; how you complain how you are always alone, they all make me think of just walking up to you and just call you a vile and mean things and call you out for nothing more but a flighty woman. Thoughts most vile and ideas so wicked to embarrass you and for me to regain whatever dignity I had left.

Then I happen upon a photo of us when we were happy, having the time of our lives. My anger is once again substituted with depression. Our summer was a summer I want to, but am not able to, forget. The way we would talk to each other every night; the way we would try and sneak out to get a glimpse of each other at least once when we found out we were vacationing with our family in the same city; the way we would just walk for hours, just you and I. All of that is gone now and you leave me here sad and alone, our summer nothing more than a faded memory in a harsh and cruel winter.

I flick on the radio and the station is playing “I Want to Know What Love is”. I switch the channel and I get “What is Love”, it’s as if the disk jockeys know what distress I am going through, mocking my loneliness in their glass booths and sitting at their instruments of many coloured lights. But then I stop and wonder. I know what love is, people tend to think it is bliss and happiness, but it is not. Love is that heartache you get when something is gone, when you look at that certain someone and say, “I used to have that.” Then you just sit there sullenly and you realize how alone you are. Love is jealousy and hate of a disenchanted lover whose heart aches and aches, but knows it will not get any satisfaction. I know what love was, but now I know what it is.