Join the new world

EDIT: You can read the ESO manifesto, fully supported by myself and all ESO candidates, here: http://www.erepublik.com/en/article/2162678/1/20

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Friends, Romans, Countrymen; lend me your ears.

On second thought, you can keep your ears. Give ESO your votes instead and maybe, perhaps, you might be able to see someone like me with his finger on the button, one of the many buttons, that ultimately decide how badly, or well, but probably badly, things go for our wonderful country.

Now, I know how to push a button and my mouse-clicking skills are unsurpassed amongst men of my age and demographic. The neural pathways between my brain and right forefinger are sufficiently developed so as to render unlikely any political fau😜as caused by uncontrolled spasms, and my cognitive abilities are quite adequate [School Report, 2005]. My passion for this ultimately meaningless metaphor of United Kingdom society is such that I have no desire to disrupt the status quo through rogue wackiness or disenfranchised boat-rocking. And I’m active too! Reliable, present, and not an idiot. What more could you ask for in a candidate?

No, I hear what you’re saying: whatever happened to modesty in political candidacy? I know (I know…) that I shouldn’t continue to brag or boast about my many merits. It’s tough though, having so many merits. An old flame of mine once said that I’m the most meretricious man she’s ever known. That sort of thing can go to a man's head.

There’s a joke in there somewhere but I don’t think everyone will get it. That’s OK though; my humour, much like many of my policies, is above the comprehension of the bottom-dwellers. I don't care; the bottom-dwellers won't vote for me anyway. In fact, I have it on good authority that all those who won't vote for me and ESO are the worst of society.

So, to conclude:

Don't be a tool. Vote me! Vote ESO! Vote with your fingers and your brains! Vote ESO! Vote me!