How You Can Become A Party President!

Day 1,145, 10:57 • Published in USA USA • by SamWystan

Issue 9
"I definitely get off reading this." ~Joe Newton, First Fieldist Double Quotation Winner


A Guide To Party Presidential Victory
You are running for president of your party. Congratulations! This is the second most important office you can run for. Unfortunately, it's held almost entirely by people who are "in" with the party, and if you aren't, well, so long. Today, we'll present the ways even you, despite your crippling lack of character and intelligence, can win the leadership of your party.

1. Friend Everyone. Friendship, so they say, is a two-way street. But, really, that's a lie. It is, however, a simple fact that the party president has to be voted on by party members, and being known by them helps. If you're running what's classically known as an "insurgency" campaign, chances are you don't have the advantage of being part of the welcoming committee or having been voted on in the last election. Friend party members now. You never have to say anything more to them, you don't have to take them bowling, because now you can blanket them in shouts. It's like you're always there! Shouting at them.


(Really, it's an effective means of communication)

2. Write An Article About How Great You Are. It seems like a simple step, but really, it's harder than you think. Now it's time to play up who you are. Have you ever done anything important before? This is the time to play it up. Even marginal accomplishments should be exaggerated into massive ones. Something as small as being a mobile voter can be parlayed into "I was an integral part of securing my party's Congressional seats." Don't have any accomplishments? Well then, play up how green you are by saying you have "an ability to look from fresh perspectives." Or something like that. It's not so much what you say, it's how you say it.

3. Announce As Radical A Platform As People May Want. You know what people aren't attracted to? Change. Which makes your job harder, because you have to distinguish yourself from the other contenders. Thus, use the following key phrases "party leadership has failed to address [unsolvable common problem]" "I'll lead the party into more engagement with [party members/other parties]" "It's time to look forward, which will contain [unthreatening future]" "I'll make our party the greatest party!" Remember to shout it out!

At this point, you should be the frontrunner.


(Your dream is finally coming true! To see a young girl run down a road!)

You're not! What the- okay, let's go into more.

4. Mass Message. Using either volunteers (actually, having volunteers would show good organizational skills, but if you had those, you wouldn't be reading this guide) or a mass messenger, send a message to all members of your party, which can be immediately ignored by them, although your opponents will almost immediately respond. In the message, make some insinuating remarks about your opponents, suggesting that they may a) destroy the party, or b) totally flake out. However, this won't really help you too much.

5. Contact A Sixth-Party, Or Two. Every sixth-party wants to be a Top 5 party, and there's no faster way to become one than to take over one (it cuts out all that annoying recruiting). Suggest that if they join your party and support you, you'll rename your party in their name. However, you probably contacted a 13-member party, so that won't be enough. Contact another, larger party. Promise the same thing. You can deal with it later, when you're president of your party.


(Your cabal is definitely the fluffiest!)

6. Contact Your Rival Party. Sixth-parties are a joke, and they can't deliver an election alone. So find the leadership of your rival party and suggest they send people to help takeover your party. To help grease the wheel, perhaps you should promise something like "we'll support all your congressional candidates." You know, another lie. Boy, you sure are lying a lot, aren't you? Well, that's what it takes to be party president. There's no looking back now. If you were honest, you wouldn't have read this far.

Following these six simple steps, you too can achieve the presidency of your party! You'll also simultaneously achieve fame, which can be leveraged to perhaps one day run for the presidency. Furthermore, your position in your party will allow you to get into Congress, where you can cause further mayhem. Isn't life wonderful?


(The important thing is not to lose your soul, like this guy)

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