Glory to the Freedom Fighters!

Day 2,190, 18:07 • Published in Canada Canada • by Xander Kross

The liberal baby-snuggling continues unabated with the new government. In fact, it has gotten far worse.



I will admit to being somewhat misinformed during my last article. But I maintain that our nation should be united, and that if people wish to live on our lands, they should fly our flag. But these polite rent-paying invaders are our allies, and I am not concerned about them at the moment.



Our heroic resistance fighters have succeeded in driving the eSpanish oppressors from our East Coast. The resistance was well-timed, taking advantage of the enemy's divided front and striking when its back was turned. Bravo and well-fought, soldiers! A well-deserved victory has brought us four steps closer to complete unity.



Unfortunately, our lickspittle leader does not see things this way. Instead of building monuments to these brave liberators and thanking them for their noble service to the country, he scolds them like children and condemns their heroic actions. "Trolls!" he shouts. "To the brink of war you take us! How dare you unite our fractured land!"



The toady has grown accustomed to the bullying, it seems. He cannot function without the constant threat of noogies and swirlies. When the bully is finally driven from the schoolyard, he shrinks in terror. He seeks out the bully and apologizes for the justice that has been meted out. He counts out his lunch money for the coming weeks and begs the bully to take it, and to only punch him where his bruises may be concealed.



The bully tells him, "Go wait in that corner, toady, while I concern myself with these more important matters. I may get around to dealing with you at some point in the future whenever I feel like it, and then we can discuss how and when you will return our lunch money and cookies, and what shorts you should wear so that we may give you the best wedgies." You see, the bully truly believes that the lunch money rightfully belongs to him, and that the toady's head naturally belongs in the bowl of the commode.



The toady then thanks the bully, praises his "honor" and "goodwill", picks out the pair of britches that will give the least painful wedgie when yanked over his skull, and scolds all the other children for getting fed up with the bully's tyranny and acting against it. He then goes about making sure that, when the bully returns, all lunch money is ready to be collected, and that all underwear waistbands are just far enough above the trouser's waist that they are easily yanked up.



This toady values the status quo and his precious treatises more than he values his nation. The rest of us have our priorities sorted out. We are not willing to let the bullies sit on out chests any longer. Perhaps they will hit back very hard, and surely they are stronger than we are, but that does not give them the right to treat the rest of us as they treat our leader. Nor does it give them permission to behave as bullies do.



Grow a spine. Tell the enemy to go suck a lemon. Make them realize that we will not go down without a fight, however brief it may be. Better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.