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A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car
showroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 120mph
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M4, enjoying pushing the
pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a
police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as
he floored it to 140mph, then 150 then 160. Suddenly, he thought, "What
on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over
to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with
him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side
of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10
minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can
give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before,
I'll let you go."
The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, "Years
ago my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her
back."
"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.

In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath. Answer; throw in your washing.
We were all having a good laugh about this, when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said “I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits.”
I said “Sorry mate. Did he drown?”
“No,” he said, “he choked on a sock.”

The wife came out of the bathroom and said “I have just shaved my fanny and you know what that means don't you?”
I said “Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again.”



A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed;
Likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
“I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."