Dioists: Have They Betrayed America or Dioism?

Day 1,133, 09:58 • Published in USA USA • by SamWystan

Issue 21
"We resent your largess, yet are sucked up in its gravitational pull of win." ~Hekter, President of the Philippines


Rise In Ticket Prices Forces Americans To Pay Higher Ticket Prices
by Quintessential, Staff Writer

Over the past week, Q1 moving ticket prices have risen by over two dollars. Other quality tickets have also risen exponentially in comparison the the previous amount. This great raise in cost for moving tickets is a blessing for the moving ticket business owner. For the average American, however, this is a sharp blow, as the cheapskates will now have to shell out the extra two dollars.


(Later that day, that woman would be accidentally flown to Nairobi)

Economists have attributed this as the "Haliman Effect". "It's merely a standard in the period prior to a dictator seizing power as people flee the country for fear they'll be forced to do lewd acts with goats," said one anonymous but respected economist, blowing bubbles from his bubble pipe. "It's well known among Jewitt School economicists." Before leaving on his plane to Canada, one disheveled countrymen remarked, "I sold my children to buy this ticket! Best decision of my life!" When asked about the recent exportation of the general population Premier Haliman refused to answer. We tried to ask some of his staff but most of them turned out to be goats.


Irish Win Irish Congressional Elections, Say Irish
by SamWystan, Editor-in-Chief

In a upset victory over the Irish, the Irish have won their congressional elections. Many Irish are celebrating over this victory, in which they won a commanding plurality of the Dáil (the Irish version of congress). The pubs are full of well-wishers and celebrants, dancing their Irish jigs and singing their Irish songs. However, the Irish are completely angered by this turn of events, and they have also gone out to the pubs, mainly to drown their sorrows.


(Look at them! Being Irish!)

The far-left Sons of Éireann, have taken exactly half of the Dáil, while the Fenian Brotherhood (previously the People's Liberation Front) and the Irish Union Party have split the remaining half between the two, with the IUP being the junior partner in the Dail. A spokesperson for John Snuggles, leader of the SoE, had this to say. "Ireland is dead. Long live Ireland and the SoE. We will now control the Ceann Comhairle." (Irish version of the Speaker). A shoe was immediately hurled at him by a Fenian, and the news conference erupted into a brawl, with the SoE versus the Fenians. The Fieldist just punched anyone who got too close.


by SamWystan, Editor-in-Chief

American Dioists, What Have They Betrayed More; America or Dioism?
I'm certain many Dioists will take exception with this (the exceptional [expletive]s) but it has occurred to this paper that they're traitors. Many have abandoned this country at the beck of their God-Emperor Dio Brando to defend their Holy Land of Pakistan against China. Certain members have argued that America can be no true Dioist nation if it continues to honor its alliance with China.

Thus, they're easy to write off as traitors to the U.S. for fleeing America to go to Pakistan and attack one of our allies. But they're also traitors to Dioism; their own faith. Pakistan has been under attack for some time. Even prior to the return of the God-Emperor. Many high-profile and powerful Dioists ignored it. Thus, Dioists allowed their Holy Land to be occupied. It's their fault Pakistan's in the straits its in. The only thing besides America that American Dioists are traitors to is Dioism itself. They should've kept it safe.

That's right, I'm on the high horse on both sides of this issue.

Welcome Quintessential
While I was losing my congressional race, a young Federalist by the name of Quintessential asking if he could assist with The Fieldist by doing research for it. "Assist!" I exclaimed, "you'll write articles." And so he has. Our first staff writer besides me. Quint's first article in The Fieldist also inaugurates our new Business section, which for today has replaced the Domestic section.

So welcome Quint onboard, and get ready for some weird articles as The Fieldist attempts to grapple with economics.

Wystan's Raiders: We Rock


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