Death to the UIP!

Day 1,144, 16:43 • Published in USA USA • by SamWystan

Issue 8
"Favorite read of the dayyyy." ~Joe Newton, Double Media Mogul? Oh my god, it's a double media mogul all the way!


UIP Derails
The United Independents Party has been led by Athanaric for the past two terms, and Mr. Athanaric now seeks a third. But rather than continue the defense of the party, Mr. Athanaric has said his re-election will end the UIP. The call was also taken up by rival candidate The Time Lord, who also immediately pledged to destroy the UIP. Famed banana Pheno Sozak has also thrown his hat into the ring, as the sole candidacy that does not seek to end the UIP.


(Old UIPpies die hard; also, they smell terrible when they finally do)

"Independent? Ha, hardly!" said a source close to Mr. Lord. "It's time for a new direction for this party: we're simply going to ape the 'country first' attitude of all the other parties! Difference be damned!" Mr. Athanaric is running on a "I'll do something new, but only if you want me to" platform. And Mr. Sozak is running on the "I'm a banana!" vote, which should poll strong with other fruits.


Poland and Hungary Totally Hook-Up
The stormy relationship between Poland and Romania took a turn for the worse. The two European superpowers have been going steady in an alliance for years now, but when Romania called Poland about renewing their Mutual Protection Pact, Poland was noncommittal. Yesterday, Romania discovered that Poland had failed to sign the Mutual Protection Pact, and instead had signed with rival superpower Hungary, a move many nations have been predicting since Phoenix collapsed.


(Polan😛 Not adverse to kicking people in the back)

Romania was shocked; as details of the signing came out, shock turned to anger, with Romania announcing to the world that Poland "will sign alliances with anybody, and is totally into giving trade breaks". Romanian neighbor Serbia is apparently also looking to get into "that hot Polish action". In the meantime, Croatia (mutual friend of Romania and Poland) is looking to stay out of the spat.


So I Return To Fun
Old-timey Americans will remember that there once was a special department in the US government. It wasn't like the other departments. While the other departments were off, talking with world leaders or adjusting tax rates, this department was attempting to figure out if a can of seltzer can be packed into a banana cream pie, so that when said pie hits a clown, the seltzer also sprays the clown (thirty-eight clowns , two scientists and a chinchilla were lost in these tests, honor their sacrifice). Eventually, the other departments banded together and beat the crap out of this department and sent it packing.

So it was with great interest that I read that Secretary of the Interior Justin McCravok has ordered the revitalization of the Department of Fun. Especially when I'm the one who ran it. Older-timey Americans will remember that the Department of Fun takes no orders from nobody. Once you're in the Department you can't come out. Therefore the following members of the DoF are called upon:
TheSupernatural - Emperor of Fun
Emerick - Anti-Lulz Division Officer
All other department members are currently dead. I need a new Sombrero Tester.


(Yes, that is the most badass logo you've ever seen for a government department)

THE FIELDIST ANNOUNCEMENTS

Staff
SamWystan: Editor-In-Chief
Quintessential: Staff Writer
HobbitTon: Contributing Writer
ProjectPsion: Contributing Writer
seanlynch: Ireland Bureau Chief
Athanaric: Contributing Writer
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