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Cucumber Mutants vs. Humans

Day 1,694, 11:38 • Published in United Kingdom

• by Sir Oric Von Lichtenstein

It was early in the morning when I received a call from Dan Moir...

That's our lovely Dan Moir. I'd date that. But then again, I have bad taste in women.

Oric: Hello?

Dan: Oric? Is that you?

Oric: Oh...hey, Dan...uh...you're break-ing...up...I can't hear you...cheeseburgers...

Dan: I know you can hear me, Oric.

Oric: Fine. What do you want, Dan?

Dan: Well, I wanted to apologize for being such a rudey.

Oric: A...rudey?

Dan: Yeah, a rudey. Someone who is rude.

Oric: I don't think that's a word, Dan.

Dan: Shutup! Of course it's a word! Do you want me to ban you, punk?!

Oric: How can you ban me from the phone?

Dan: Shut your face off!

Oric: ...

Dan: Sorry. My mother's been making me take anger management lessons. And ballet. But anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to come over and hang out with us?

Oric: Who's "us?"

Dan: Oh, well there's me, Talon Karrde, Invalidation and kcirp.

Oric: Ah, I really can't. I have plans.

Dan: What kind of plans?

Oric: Uh...you know...surfing plans...

Dan: You don't surf.

Oric: Uh, yeah, of course I do. I can...hang...on those gnarley waves...bro.

Dan: Just come over or I'll ban you from the forums.

Oric: ...fine.

So I headed over to his house:

I knocked, but noticed the door was wide open.

"Hello?" I called, but I could barely hear myself over the loud Ricky Martin music that was playing.

"Oric! We're downstairs!" a voice beckoned.

I wish I had left, not because his house smelled like old raisins, but because of what I saw:

From right to left
Invalidation
Talon Karrde

Invalidation: Oric! You made it! Grab a chair!

Oric: Where's kcirp and Dan?

Talon: Oh, they're putting their costumes on.

Oric: Wait, costumes?

Talon: Dan didn't tell you? Oh, he's such a silly goose. We're playing Cucumber Mutants vs. Humans.

Oric: ...seriously?

Invalidation: Yeah, it's great fun! Two of us dress up like cucumbers and the rest of us are humans, and we battle.

Oric: How do we battle?

Talon: Well, it's not quite a battle. It's more like a voting process over which movie to watch first! Tonight's movies are:

Battlefield Earth

and A Walk to Remember.

Talon: I want to see A Walk to Remember first because I've already seen Battlefield Earth 7 times.

Just then, Dan and kcirp came out of the bathroom:

kcirp

Dan Moir

(For the record, I thought kcirp's costume was better.)

Dan: WHO'S READY TO PARTY?!

kcirp: You know I am, my cucumber brethren!

But just then, I had enough.

Oric: This is ridiculous! C'mon, guys...you guys used to be so cool! There used to be a time when we could all have fun together, instead of dressing up like...cucumbers. There used to be a time when I liked to be around you guys, and I know everyone else loved to be around you, too. So, take that costume off, Dan, and wash your face off kcirp! Let's reclaim your past awesomeness. Let's take life by the horns and ride it on down Cool Highway. Let's become people that everyone loves!

Silence ensued, and after using a phrase like "Cool Highway" there was magic in the air.

Dan: Okay, you've just lost your movie vote.

This was a story brought to you by Oric, and had nothing to do with this: