Congress To Execute Tax Evaders As Part Of Minimum Wage Raise

Day 1,138, 12:18 • Published in USA USA • by SamWystan

Issue 1
"The Fieldist touches me... and no you may not quote me." ~maverick10 Dodge Knight, Clever Girl


Inwegen To Be President of the United States
by SamWystan

In a quiet ceremony in the Rose Garden the other day, independent candidate for President Inwegen was anointed future president of the United States of America by President Josh Frost and former President Alexander Hamilton. Mr. Hamilton presented a chalice filled with oil and passed it to Mr. Frost, who dripped it onto Mr. Inwegen's head. Mr. Frost then told Mr. Inwegen to rise, and gave him the ceremonial Presidential kiss.


(Mr. Inwegen was then given the ceremonial sword-pat-on-shoulder-by-an-attractive-woman)

Mr. Inwegen's anointment comes at a time when he appears to be losing in the primaries. While the Libertarian and S.E.E.S. primaries are largely expected to be his, the Federalist and USWP primaries (largely seen as deciding primaries) appear to be firmly in his opponent, Haliman's, camp. At this time, The Fieldist believes that the UIP primary is also swinging Haliman's way. It is unknown whether the endorsements of the past and present presidents will sway voters who don't read the newspaper because they're too busy driving between work and boot camp to read.


Congress To Increase Minimum Wage To Stop Tax Evaders
by SamWystan

Congress is debating a measure introduced by Princefigs (USWP-GoM) to crack down on tax evasion by raising the minimum wage to seven or eight dollars, a possible 900-1000% increase from the current minimum of $0.80. The belief is that this will offset the costs of shadier business practices by workers and employers, including donation schemes and working internationally. Congress is also debating a plan to hang tax evaders for high treason.


(A tax evader, seen here using a bank to avoid taxes)

Lower-tax advocates have opposed the plan. "They're going about this all wrong," said a person afraid to give his name because the Congressional Death Squad might get him. "Congress is now going to go through a convoluted process when the answer is clear: lower taxes. It's like clambering over a house to get to the backyard when you can just walk through it." Congress has stood by the plan, telling opposition citizens to "shut up."


Canadian Moose Not What Voters Thought He Was
by Project Psion, assisted by SamWystan

Canadian Head Moose TemujinBC came to power on stellar campaign promises. In the first plank of his campaign he promised a baby boom, in which Canada's population would be "skyrocketed" to 8000 by January 5, in which a new Head Moose would be elected. According to Canada's Financial Times "Over the past term, we received no baby boom, and in fact, we lost about 700 citizens."

The plank also included an ad campaign, and "lotteries" for new players. The Financial Times added some more comments to these promises. "What adverts? What lotteries? At least someone made a nice flyer for us to post around our towns." The second plank naturally had to do with the economy. This called for a new savings program in case of a full scale invasion.


(Mr. BC, seen here working on his tree farm while an employee buckles him in)

An unnamed source showed The Fieldist a blueprint of how to get to the vaults for the reserves. Investigation of the air ducts revealed government employees pushing carts of gold from the military reserves to the treasury, and then back to the reserves.

Mr. BC also made promises regarding the military, but results were less than lackluster and not worth going into here. "Basically, all the Head Moose did was end the war with the UK, and quit his position as the War Lord of the Crimson Order." said a distraught Canadian citizen, taking a swig of fermented maple syrup. "Hopefully the next Moose will be better, or we'll hunt him down."


Volume VII
The Fieldist finally issues Volume VII, which has some future changes coming. As of now, there are tentative plans to open a branch in Canada, which will be run by a different editor, but someone whom I have full trust in. Hopefully that will be done before the end of next month. There should be some superficial image changes as well.

Volume VII also marks the seventh month (duh) that The Fieldist has been in circulation, an impressive achievement for a paper that was originally established as Insight to Riot, a really crappy serious newspaper. The Fieldist has outlasted far more things than I ever thought would fall, PEACE GC, Phoenix and EDEN for example, the America's Advancement Party, and a few others not worth mentioning.

Here's to more volumes in the coming year, and completing my dream of getting into America's Top 5 articles again, which I haven't done since like Volume III.

THE FIELDIST ANNOUNCEMENTS

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SamWystan: Editor-In-Chief
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