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[ INTERIOR, ON A TELEVISION SET RESEMBLING "The Charlie Rose Show" ]

FAKE CHARLIE ROSE: You’ve based your candidacy on foreign policy and diplomacy. Why?

CITIZEN DRU: People come to the game for different things: military affairs, economic policy, business, etc. I “get” those areas, they’re just don’t get me fired up. IRL I work in international affairs. eRep interests me most in the way it attempts to simulate them.

FCR: Just what is your problem with ATLANTIS? You have applied many nasty adjectives to them.

C😨 It ties us into a set of obligations that aren’t necessarily our own. Old European squabbles. We’re bonded to support Romania, Spain, and others because of this “historic” beta-era alliance, but ATLANTIS is doing us no favors. If we were to leave, it would totally upend the power rivalries in this game.

FCR: Well, what’s wrong with being involved Europe?

C😨 Total mess. You’ve got 29 bickering countries with tin-pot nationalist rivalries. Thousands of Eurotrash teenagers fantasizing about being the next Napoleon. It’s a quagmire; the eUSA can only ever hope to have an indirect influence there. As far as I’m concerned, we shouldn’t be doing much in Europe besides making money off them, and support allies who serve our national interest, not the random schizoid whims of whomever happens to be governing Spain or Romania.

FCR: What should replace ATLANTIS?

C😨 I’m not sure a two-sided alliance system makes sense anymore. If anything, it makes the game too static and predictable. I’d like to see the US lead its own independent sphere. We’ve got natural allies in English-speaking countries. Of course we should remain allies with the UK and Canada, and possibly also English-speaking Thailand, India, and Japan. We could also do a much better job supporting the South Africans and Australians. Indonesia is going to want to expand into the newly created Southeast Asian states. We should head that off with MPPs with Singapore, the Phillipines, and Malaysia. There’d be plenty of war for the hawk gamers. But we can’t even begin to speak to those countries if we’re still part of an ATLANTIS vs. PEACE framework. God knows what kind of insane governments they will form.

FCR: Would you like to take a moment to trash on your opponent, SirChaos?

C😨 No. For all I know, he’s a decent guy. Long-time player and dedicated USWP man. That said, he's running a pretty limp campaign. He posted a bland, boilerplate kind of platform almost a week ago, and since than hasn’t really done anything. I mean no disrespect, but he’s a beta-era stalwart who basically wants you to look at his player Level and party and vote for him. I’m running, however, because I’m newish, independent, outspoken in my ideas, and far from apathetic.

FCR: Can you win New York? It's, like, hella populated.

C😨 Dunno. eRep elections are a crapshoot. New York is a large state, but a majority of its 950 citizens are beta-Zombies. The last election was decided by a 10-vote margin. Greecelightning and the USWP have held the NY seat ever since congress was created, and now he’s not running. I think I’ve got a pretty fair shot.

On a side note, I’d like to mention that to all UIP members living in Florida, you’re welcome to come to New York to vote for me. Florida looks like it will be a wash, and the last time I heard, the UIP candidate there is some random who doesn’t have the support of P.P. NoneSuch. New York is an opportunity to pick up a seat for the UIP. If you’re UIP and want to help, contact me. Get-Out-The-Vote transportation can be arranged. (I know, it seems shady, but it's a common practice. Don't doubt that other parties do it.)

FCR: In closing, people call you a jerk for being too serious...

C😨 I get that sometimes. Maybe it's because I occasionally put sincere analytic thought into the game as simulation, especially in my "Tel Quel" articles. Poor Ananias did the same thing and got pilloried. I realize it is a game, though. I can be funny. I have lulz. In my platform, I called free-trade fundamentalists "sucka amateurs". Jythier Smith wrote a great endorsement article for me in his satiric paper "The Picayune" and I enjoyed it immensely. And I think staging this article in a jokey allusion to the format of your famously boring PBS late-night talk show demonstrates a certain levity and wit. The above photo, however, is of you interviewing Dominique de Villepin. I have nothing in common with Dominique de Villepin other than awesome hair.

FCR: I truly want to thank you for being here tonight. It has been a goddam honor

C😨 Thank you, Fake Charlie Rose. It's been real.