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Big Gay Rant

Hoo-boy, where to start?

Well, first off... strictly speaking... there's no such thing as gay or straight in eRepublik, so the whole topic is pretty stupid.

But here at Spectacular Times we are very, very dedicated and intrepid e-reporters. We live and die by our journalistic ethics, dang it, which are enshrined in our motto: "Nothing is too stupid for an eRepublik news article."

So we went and asked some hither-to little-known e-gay personalities to share with us their unique perspectives on the eternal question: "What's up with the obsession some people have about gays in eRepublik?"


None of them really answered our question. But here are the comments for your consideration. Well, at least the ones that that we think we can probably publish without getting deleted...


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Rant Casey (rabid big gay party crasher):

"If and when Glorious Admin does finally.. in V5 or V6.. add sexual orientation as a feature, then I'd suggest he consider providing the following options (for males) in order to keep things interesting:
* Mad Screaming Drag Queen
* Sex-Addict
* Boring Gay Professional
* Handsome Devil
* Hilarious Wit
* Fashion Victim
* Bear Cub
* Straight Acting (I'm not gay but my boyfriend is)
* Bi-Curious (I'm only gay for Brad Pitt)
* Closet Case
* Severely Damaged Closet Case (self-hating homophobe who can't stop obsessing about gay men)"


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Agent 43 (super-spy for a shadowy gay agency):

"Begin here seventeenth account of operative me, agent number 43, on arrival religion propaganda distribution outlet of city XXXX. Denomination Bleeding-Man-on-Stick. Corrupt degenerate media process image operative me, voice word of this agent preserve as product able reproduce infinite, utilize to pace insidious marketing memes compelling persons purchase and consume black prune-flavored soda. Caucasoid male delegate religion faction commandant denounce in ever escalating semantics this agent as vile sexual outlaw. Voice operative me say, 'Esteemed shaman, most grateful with full respect if would confirm photographic evidence.' Display agent me big poster image religion commandant swap saliva this operative. Direction all camera swing so focused upon face of operative me, then upon big poster image, then upon religion commandant. This agent, watched under numerous camera, observe heat sensation rising blood glow within cheek skin religion propaganda chief. Wham!"


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Clem Snide (infamous gay cynic and drug addict):
“In homosexual sex you know exactly what the other person is feeling, so you are identifying with the other person completely. In heterosexual sex you have no idea what the other person is feeling. Perhaps all pleasure is only relief? Frankly, I don’t care if people hate my guts; I assume most of them do. The important question is whether they are in a position to do anything about it. Fact is, most of the trouble in this world has been caused by folks who can't mind their own business, because they have no business of their own to mind, any more than a smallpox virus has. After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.' How I hate those who are dedicated to producing conformity.”


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Sebastian Melmoth (professional gay wit):
"Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing. If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you. Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone elses opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation. Finally... always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."


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Julian Burr (gay politician and eUS e😜at currently living in e-Italy, where he votes e-communist):
"I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television. Sex is. There is nothing more to be done about it. Sex builds no roads, writes no novels and sex certainly gives no meaning to anything in life but itself."


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Also, because we are a full-service e-newspaper, here's a handy video guide on how to come out of the closet, based on sure-fire techniques as demonstrated on American TV shows. "Take that, breeders!"