Bad News #7 - Elections, Ridiculous Hubris and the Ruins of the Fourth Wall

Day 645, 01:05 • Published in Romania Romania • by Silverbolt

Bad news, everyone!

Hello and welcome to the seventh edition of Bad News, the only newspaper that not only breaks the fourth wall, it demolishes it using a team of jackhammer-wielding raccoons to do so.

Without further ado...

Well, actually, I have something to say to my Romanian brethren first, so I would ask my English-reading fans to skip forward a few paragraphs.


- Nu vă ambalaţi că nu aţi câştigat nimic. Vreau doar să le mulţumesc tuturor celor ce m-au votat la alegerile pentru Congres. Nu am avut campanie electorală, nu am avut articol electoral (lipsă de timp exact când a contat), abia am bani de pâinea mea, darămite să le dau şi săracilor (indiferent de acuzaţii. Rămân la părerea mea că un moving ticket ca să poţi vota în altă regiune nu se califică drept mită după nici o definiţie), am vreo trei săptămâni de cetăţenie...practic tot ce am avut pentru a mă promova sunt hârţoagele astea pe care debitez eu tâmpenii de propagandă internaţională.

Şi a mers. Dar nu aş fi reuşit fără voi şi pentru asta vă mulţumesc. Dacă aveţi nevoie de ceva vreodată, apelaţi cu încredere.

Silverbolt - Vocea TA pentru Banat! (aşa ca să nu ziceţi că nu am slogan electoral penibil)

We now return to our usual programming...

- Don't worry, everyone, everything I wrote above didn't concern you in any way, albeit we did make fun of your ridiculous haircut for a bit. To summarize, I have been elected as a Congress Member for Banat, Romania and I will now leave modesty at the door, in the rain, during tornado season for a bit while I talk about some things...

First off, to perfectly point out my arrogance, let me mention that as of this writing the polls have not closed yet. That's how sure I am of my victory. Secondly I had no time for a campaign of any sort. All my popularity is due solely to this newspaper here and the support and confidence of my fellow party members who had little time to get to know me or find out about my notorious inclination to corruption and overall evil. You'd think that the fact that my volcano fortress is shaped like a demonic skull would be an indication of that. I'm new here. Very new. When I was little and kept failing basic math in school, my mother told me about people just like me and how they managed to rise above expectations. And here I stand this day...Congressman, an IQ of 257 and a long-time master of seven Martial Arts AND The Force. So tonight when you're tucking in your laughably mediocre children...tell them a story of someone who made it. Tell them a story...of Lord Silverbolt.


Now officially TWO deadly sins instead of just one.

My first law proposal is that you will all address me as my secret superhero identiy from here on in: Congress Man. I know I mentioned before that I was evil and had a volcano fortress, but it's due to a time-travel story arc in Congress Man - The Miniseries laden with paradoxes. I try not to let it affect my work much.

Climbing down from this golden calf I've made for myself and back into the cruel reality where this is all just a game (what? I said I was going to break the fourth wall.) I want to mention a few things. First, as said by my fellow superhero Captain Obvious: "STUFF DON'T WORK HERE LIKE IN THE REAL WORLD!". I see a lot of people offended and writing horribly bad articles about why Romania shouldn't ally themselves with the US or other things from that category. I would like to remind those noble retards. That we're not ACTUALLY talking about Romania and that's not ACTUALLY the USA (and US citizens, believe me, I have no love for your country in real life, nor do I bear any specific enimity towards it) and that the US Government is not the ACTUAL US Government. I'm as shocked as you are!


This lesson in Getting a Grip has been brought to you by Gargamel's Grips - Grips for the Common Man.

- In external news, Romania has been trying to make peace with our neighbors, Ukraine, for some time now. However, Hungary would not agree to the peace and Ukraine, of course, dares not disturb the sleeping giant. Because you see, the sleeping giant has diarrhea and you don't want to disturb the sleeping giant.

In other words, Hungary is blackmailing Ukraine so our president, sebahmah decided to take matters into his own hands (innuendo joke averted on account of it

being way too easy). Long story short, half of Ukraine's Congress is now seated by Romanians or people loyal to Romania and they WILL vote peace. Sebahmah also said some things about this being solely for signing the peace and not for stealing money or screwing the country over. Of course, you would know more if you weren't so lazy and you actually took the time to read the article. Political Take-Over for peace...interesting.

I don't really care exactly how Sebahmah went about this so I will have to assume that he, along with 20 others crossed the border in the dead of night carefully camouflaged, then made a deal with Chakarra, High Mistress of Illusion and Manipulation in order to mass-hypnotize the people. Then they appeared before the voters wreathed in serene light with a charisma score well above 20 and then rolled the proverbial d20. I guess it would be safe to assume they all got laid at the election after-party.


The fact that Ukraine's candidates looked like this couldn't have helped either.

In other news, EDEN is slowly regaining ground in the US and Canada. Resistances keep the others busy. Your own infrastructure is laden with corruption and disarray. See, Alliances expire and your enemies can strike. And let's face it, PEACE...how many countries do you have that are capable of going to war on their own. One? Two? Buckle my shoe? You'd do best to stop while you still can, before inertia pushes you into the fiery pits of fail.

Together we stand, divided YOU fall.

Until the next time we meet, this has been the Bad News.