Bad News #6 - Shifty Russians and Shifting Balance

Day 641, 05:02 • Published in Romania Romania • by Silverbolt

Bad news, everyone!

Hello and welcome to the sixth issue of Bad News, the only magazine that encodes secret military instructions in goofy news in an attempt to coordinate the final strike that ends the war. Of course, only votes can take us to the top so everyone can see them.

Without further ado...

- Russia continues its war of hypocrisy against the USA claiming "we never said we were going to sign a peace buggy blue, triple stop, no erasies!" and while the rest of PEACE conveniently respects the peace treaty watching the war from atop their mountain made of US gold, Russia does their dirty work and attacks the unsuspecting Americans. I say to the US government what Senator Palpatine said to Anakin Skywalker when he found out he was a Sith Lor😛


At least Anakin could use the Force...

In the mean time, Canada, who mind you did NOT sign a peace treaty managed to put itself back on the map and Spain as well after a brief resistance war. You, see, my PEACEful
friends...there is such a thing in physics called "critical mass". And when a something reaches its critical mass, it becomes unstable. So scientifically speaking, you goin'
down, coz there's nowhere else to go! Your empire has reached critical mass and will inexorably head towards its decline, just like your abilities to get erections did so long ago.

Now, I've made some controversial statements in the past that not everyone has agreed with. Such as "PEACE is an evil empire and they molest kittens". Let's assume, purely hypothetically and absurdly, that the previous statement is not true. PEACE keeps yapping something about "But Atlantis was evil as well. Romania had an evil empire. This is just payback! My uncle touched me down there and now I bully everyone around!". I didn't live back in those times, but let me just point out the pile of horse manure:

"Atlantis was evil because they conquered some countries, so now we're going to do the exact same thing, only bigger and we'll call it "good" because I think no one will notice."

How vewy vewy pwecious!


Why do you have to be mean like that?

Also, some stuff is going on somewhere in Asia. Something about Kim Jong Il's Korean Army battling Japanese Mechs and Pokemons. Don't know. Much like the rest of the world, I didn't care too much.

- Ah, but the biggest news is right here on EDEN ground where EDEN defended not one, but TWO regions in Croatia against the oncoming Zerg Swarm. What happened? Well, to put it simply, PEACE's plan was to slowly eat away at EDEN's countries, slowly working their way to the grand prize and ancient arch-enemy: Romania. Then something happened...You see, not only did they fail miserably, it wasn't even a close match. They didn't even make it past the rural areas and to make things even juicer...the Romanian National Guard fought with no weapons whatsoever. Yes, you heard me right. EDEN basically stared at them until they died.

And then there's Greece that is taking their land back from Turkey with a ferocity that makes me be certain of my initial theory that PEACE did not, in fact, watch 300. But wait! There's more! The Hungarian President has been impeached. Remember when I said that internal conflict will be PEACE's downfall? If not, allow me to generate a flashback:

"Internal conflict will be PEACE's downfall, guys! Wooooo, tequila! Last one in the pool is a rotten egg!"

...admittedly I was not what you might call "sober" at the time.

That's about it for the time being. The status quo is slowly shifting in our favor and we've shown PEACE that unlike their moms, we will not kneel down in front of anyone. The end of the conflict is near, my friends. Bring it on! (Which coincidentally is exactly what PEACE's mom said last night)


Quality journalism is all about the mom jokes, you see?

Until the next time we meet, this has been the Bad News.