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Bad news, everyone!

Hello, and welcome to the fifth issue of Bad News, the only magazine who found popularity way too soon and sold out in record time. But don't take my word for it, just ask our new mascot, Mentos - the Freshmaker!

Without further ado...

- With things being as quiet as they are for the moment, with the exception of a few cries of "Ay, Dios mio!" from the general direction of Spain as the war rages on, I will take the liberty of taking the first part of today's Bad News in the direction of ranting. And by that I, of course, mean bitching.

I started Bad News little less than a week ago and while my first three issues have received modest feedback and appreciation, the fourth one positively blew the charts, my mind and probably several CEOs (in which respect it seems to be a lot like Paris Hilton). Before Issue #4 hit I was at a modest average of 50-ish votes per article, 10-15 comments and about 50 subscribers. Then I wrote Issue #4. In the two days since its publishing it stands at almost 1000 votes. Second article nation-wide and third worldwide, 100+ comments and around 500 subscribers, which means I'm halfway there to making money off you people. I couldn't have done it without you and I promise to try and provide you with only the best in quality entertainment even if I will, at some point, sell out. Both myself and Pepsi thank you.


Here's a graph with absolutely no relevance whatsoever.


I would also like to take this opportunity to discuss the general state of journalism and without hiding behind false modesty like PEACE hides behind the pretense of being the good guys (Ha! You really thought I was going to cut them some slack, didn't you?) explain, in short, what I think the cause for this success is. Now ever since I've became a citizen of eRepublik I've seen some good articles by people who know what they are doing. But I've also seen some dreadful, horrible, embarrassingly popular articles so unspeakable that they would put Shub Niggurath to shame. From this category are:

* Articles that contain only a link to another popular article (which are the media equivalent of saying you know the most popular kid in school)
* Articles that contain nothing more than a plea for votes to reach Media Mogul without offering anything in return (or at least pretending to offer, like we do here)
* Articles that are only about how frustrated the writer is about this and that (Tip: Try quicksaving your game before talking to a girl)
* Generally badly written articles. Grammar is not hard. Write in a language you know, and write well. Style is most often responsible for most of the success, even if you don't really offer anything new in the form of news (now where did I see a magazine like that?)
* Bothering me on a pet peeve level but otherwise tolerable, I suppose, are the contest article. But they do have their limited usefulness, so I'll cut them some slack. For let he who is without selling out cast the fierce tone.


This article is brought to you by Starbucks

Now all of the above categories contain articles that usually get inexplicable votes. Partly because most people vote everything they see. I remember when I put up Bad News #2 and I messed up royally on a tag. It took me about 15 minutes to fix the problem using several Cylon Base Ships and Hugh Jackman to hack the code back into place (and when I say "hack" think about Hugh Jackman in Swordfish, not X-Men, no matter how awesome the latter might be). In that period of time, the page appeared utterly blank and devoid of any form of life and matter, yet I got no less than 15 votes. Remember this, and remember it well: Bad journalism exists because we allow it to exist. Bad News, however, exists through the divine decree of the Greek Pantheon and the wise Owl People of Kor'Danoth.

Bad News offers absolutely nothing in the area of news. Whatever you read here, you've already heard it before. But you come here for the crude humor and cheap laughs. You come here because it makes you smile, much like when you see a kid riding a bike falling and hurting himself in the park. It's not what you write about, it's the how, and I will try to keep you, my readers, satisfied (a skill I've learned while working in a massage parlor in Thailand. 5 dolla? Happy ending?). The plan when I started Bad News was to gain a small fanbase and grow from there by word of mouth, slowly sleeping my way to the top, again in a manner reminiscent of Paris Hilton and PEACE's mom. The sudden spike in popularity has been good for the short term, but I now live under the constant pressure of having not reached my peak and maintaining a steady level of quality. I am confident that with the sponsorship of Microsoft and you, my faithful readers, I will manage. Of course, there's also our top-notch advertising department:


All Glory to the Hypno-toad!

- Moving on from this touchy-feely nauseating experience filled with self-righteousness and smug, we bring you a coverage of the recent treaty between the Russians and the Americans written by our biased and uninformed top reporter, spacedkadet:

The United States finally signed the treaty with Sneaky Russians. I have only one piece of advice for the Americans: ancient Chinese proverb says "Do not try to outrun a tank".

...

Give it time. It will sink in.

I know what you may think: how can you leave the fate of the war in the hands of a fortune cookie? But answer me this, did a fortune cookie give USA to the sneaky Russians? Noooo...Emerick did. Fortune cookie 1 - Emerick 0.

Lenin asked a very good question: "Shto dyelat?" meaning "How could you lose the war, my God, you're the biggest friggin' war machine in modern history, God! You have enough money to buy the game and make it the United States of eRepublik, ya punks!?". Also, it raises the question of "what is to be done?"

Now, I'm no Lenin (and even if I was, shto dyelat?), but the answer is simple: resistance wars don't work.This was proven true by SkyNet and those computers from the last Matrix. Although you might say the French Resistance war was won, but...


WAS IT REALLY?

Getting back to the case of the US. What can we do to save this country? I've tried compiling a list of things the United States would need in order to take back control of their country:

* More fortune cookies, in higher positions within government and legislature
* Dr. Manhattan

Either of these would work just fine, but truth is you can't really fix a problem if you don't know why the problem occurred in the first place. And again, the US losing to the Sneaky Russians makes as much sense to me as that floating fetus at the end of 2001: Space Odyssey.


USA vs. Russia, directed by Stanley Kubrick

I did read that eRussia is the richest country in eRepublik, it was made so by the admins, probably to compensate for all the suffering the Russian people had to endure in the past 300 years or so, like ruling over half of Europe, on multiple occasions. Man, that must have been tough. Or having a country so big that it takes more than a continent to keep it in bounds. Yeah...yeah...

Speaking of historical justice, how's Poland these days? Oh yeah, still fighting the Russians. At least some things stay the same. Protip: Romania's alliance with Poland expires tomorrow. I say ditch 'em, they're going down, why drag us with them? I don't want little yellow stars on my chest the next time Russia whips out the war machine saying "Pole lover". You know...pole...lover?

Nah, just kidding, dawgs. We ride together, we die together. Bad boys fo' life!

But seriously, having a bunch of allies that are only good at having their asses handed to them is getting pretty retarded. The bottom line is that we have to stick together, just like Coach and me that one time in Summer Camp ... ... .. ...

Well...that was...ahem. I got nothing.

My take on this is: We need to stay together no matter what in these harsh times (speaking of EDEN, of course). And also, I call shenenigans on PEACE. Let me sum this up for those of you suffering from ADD.

1. Russia is in PEACE.
2. The USA is fighting PEACE.
3. The USA tried to sign a peace with Russia.
4. Russia declined.
5. The USA signed with PEACE (but apparently not Russia)
6. Russia kept attacking the USA.
7. RUSSIA IS IN FRIGGIN PEACE.
8. ????
9. PROFIT!

Now I'm not saying that PEACE intendedly signed the treaty but left Russia out of it in an attempt to have their human sacrifice and feast upon its flesh too, God forbid. I'm just saying it looks a lot like crab...walks like people.


I insist! Russia is innocent!

Stay strong, EDEN. Dark times are ahead, I agree, but if we've learned anything from Gandalf is that light follows darkness, complete with the exploding of the bad guy's fortress and saying a cool one-liner like "Rest in PEACEs!", then walking away without looking at the explosion.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sqz5dbs5z[..]s5zmo

Until the next time we meet, this has been the Bad News.