Bad News #4 - USurrender, Romania Responds and the Russian Roulette

Day 637, 00:01 • Published in Romania Romania • by Silverbolt

Bad news, everyone!

Hello and welcome to the fourth edition of Bad News, the only newspaper that punches PEACE in the balls and then makes fun of them from safely behind a printing press.

Without further ado...

- Wow, we really bought it at New York, didn't we? First the battle was relatively balanced, with our allies holding the Mongol Horde at bay somewhere inside the City. Then they started to press on and drove the defenders underground. The situation looked dire, but I, as a soldier in the Romanian National Guard was, along with many others, waiting for the order to strike. I clutched my epic weapon (if you know what I mean) and when the commanders gave the order, we struck. And it was glorious. We started to push back the enemies like that girl you tried to hit on last Friday did. And would we have had more time. Would he have had more men. Would we have had more space weasels. We would have won.

The aftermath? New York was lost. The US government could be heard yelling "Sacre bleu!" and surrendered in a manner that has been refered to as "French". Yep. They signed a peace treaty with PEACE because it sounded clever at the time and they thought everyone was going to have a laugh. Not us here at Bad News. We're all about seriousness here. Ok, I admit, I did chuckle a little. So basically, the US government, trying to avoid becoming PEACE's bitch they signed this treaty and became...umm...PEACE's gimp. I'm going to offer these words of wisdom to them: Doesn't really matter if you're a bitch or a gimp as long as you're getting screwed. Look at Canada: Those lovable Canucks with their adorable accents have always been sort of the expansion pack for the USA and yet when times grew hard they fought to the last mountie and then some. Oh sure, it might not have been an easy decision to make. Sure the terms seem better (except for the giving head...ahem, I mean gold, to the enemy part you twats!). Making PEACE stronger, will not end the war! I know, it sounds illogical.

However, I'll sleep a little better tonight knowing that most Americans are proud and unlike their government which is composed entirely of weasels (not space weasels, mind you, that would have been a good thing) they promise they will keep fighting for their allies. I mean...could YOU bear the silent judgment and disapproving look of the founding fathers? Think of it like that time your dad caught you looking at porn. Now multiply it by ten and give him one of those Civil War wigs to wear.

Bad News would like to remind all Americans something one of them said once (in what will soon become to be known as "the most inappropriate quotation Bad News has ever made"). John Wilkes Booth said this when he shot Abraham Lincoln for the crime of having a stupid hat: "Sic Semper Tyrannis!" which our translators assure us could mean one of two things: either "Thus ever to tyrants!" or "Your reign of terror ends here, Tyrannosaurus!". We incline to think it was the second one. I mean, he must have been hiding something under that ridiculous hat.


They did WHAT? Ok...Founding Fathers...assemble the Justice League!

Bad News brings you an exclusive report written by our journalist spacedkadet about the failed peace treaty with Russia that the US has trie😛

The biggest news in recent time is that Russia rejected USA's peace treaty, demanding more than the 300g the President of the United States, Emerick, offered them.


Sneaky president Emerick, making sneaky deals

This was confirmed by Emerick himself, after revealing to having sex with the Grand Overlord of Syberia.

"No joke. After all the shit that I went through today, Russia decides to give me another blow. Fuck." - President Emerick

We, here at Bad News, know how much this war has taken its toll on the average american, so we traced one down and asked him his opinion on this whole incident.


It's ok, little fella, you can come out now

Roger Dodger's father was a hero in Vietnam (the OTHER war US lost), while his grandfather served on the battlefields of both the Great War (thus named because it was friggin awesome) and World War II (admitadly, the sequel was not as awesome).

"It feels like a dream. I can't believe this is happening. Sometimes I think that I'm living in this alternate reality and the real reality is where this black person is president and US is fighting in backward 3rd world countries like Iraq or Afghanistan, or even Italy. Y'know, places where we can win!"

Roger moved to Canada, trying to escape the Red Menace, but this was a most unfortunate decision.

"Well, at least we showed those frenchies, we won in Manitoba! Y'know, if we lost there, in Manitoba, I think it would have driven us crazy as a country. But we didn't. All hope lies within canadian borders."

- In my native country of Romania the war is still being waged, yet thankfully, as of this writing, still not on our grounds. However, with EDEN growing smaller by the day due to PEACE's dire need of overcompensation, it's not long now. It is the calm before the s**tstorm. You know...most people with small penises buy a Ferrari or a Hummer. PEACE must have a penis of negative size if they really need to take over the entire world before finally being able to get their wife to say something as good as "meh" after sex.

Right now Romanians' resolve is stronger than it has ever been with people screaming "death before surrender" in the streets and keeping me up at night. Oh, sure we might not stand a chance before the advancing horde that sold its souls to Cthulhu for military power, but at least we'll go down fighting before we go down on them (unlike some other countries, and this time I don't mean the USA. You know who you are.). Are we kidding anyone? PEACE consists of a select few countries that run the show and those countries don't have allies, they have lackeys and pool boys. I will now quote an old folklore story as a cautionary tale:

So there was this guy...and he allied himself with a big metaphor for a bad guy, let's just say a snake or something. And he fed the snake, the snake bit his enemies and then he had no more enemies and the snake was all "Well...you're pretty screwed now." and then he bit the guy and the guy was all "Wtf, dude?" and the snake went "I'm a snake, lol! You just lost the game! Also, Dumbledore dies!" and the guy went "FFFFFFUUUUU!" and died. The moral is something about not keeping snakes for pets. I forget.

What PEACE doesn't realize is that some countries are more dangerous from the inside than out. Occupying Romania would be like getting their head humped by the proverbial facehugger and occupied Romania would be the chestburster that eats its way out and then becomes a Xenomorph ruining their crap and ending up in their base killing their dudes. To quote political rights activist Clint Eastwoo😛 "Feelin' lucky? Well...do ya? PUNK!"


THIS guy was a Romanian. You might know him better as the dude you need a Van Helsing to get rid of.


- But the world isn't all bad news today. Why over in Russia they are already celebrating their victory in the Feast of a Thousand Sacrificed Virgins to the Great Unclean One, a religious tradition that attracts worshipers of Yog Sototh from all across the world. In fact, they are so happy that they told their president something among the lines of "Sure, guy, take all the country's money. It's all good!" which he proceeded to do and is now sitting atop his Doom Fortress in Latveria in his iron mask, plotting the downfall of the Fantastic Four. Good for him!

Also, the Russians took a proverbial piss all over the peace treaty and attacked USA just for kicks in what the American Government has called "A good joke from our Russian friends. Shucks, those crazy Russians."

But what is this? PEACE not living up to their promises? Disarray amongst the pristine and pure alliance? It cannot be! Say it isn't so! Why...we never...and I mean never saw it coming! I am shocked and appalled. We here at Bad News will definitely get to the bottom of this (we can only assume it was one) blatant framing and bring forth the ones that are REALLY responsible. The Russians are surely innocent...which leaves only one possible suspect:


And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for these meddling kids!

Listen here and listen well, PEACE. It may not be tomorrow, it may not be for a long time. But there will be a payback just as talk show host and congressman James Hetfield once sai😛

No more can they keep us in
Listen, dammit! We will win!

Until the next time we meet, this has been the Bad News.