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The Fieldist Volume II, Issue 9
The News Nobel Doesn't Want You to Know!

It's All Part of The Plan
American forces have total control of one region in Mexico, the Northeast; but its security seems fleeting as US troops suffer overwhelming conditions in the Central Highlands. Portuguese troops have been sighted at the border of the USA. The situation seems grim.

But a Joint Chiefs spokesman told the Fieldist that this is all part of the battle plan. "This phase is called 'Operation Punching Bag.'" said the secretive member of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, who met us in a darkened room labelled "Janitor's Closet" on the first floor of the Smithsonian Museum of Native Americans. "Basically, we lull the Mexicans and their Spanish friends, the Portuguese, into a false sense of superiority. We'll just keep giving ground, maybe even lose a state, and then when they least expect it... bam! We counterattack." The spokesman smashed a bottle of borox for effect, getting it all over his red leather cowboy boots. When pressed on details of what type of counterattack, the spokesman responded, "we'll threaten to lose more if they don't give into our demands for peace."

Thus, if the events of the last week are viewed through this prism, we can see that victory is at hand. People of Mexico rise up, for your liberation from your Mexican and Portuguese oppressors is at hand! The moment of truth comes, uniting all Americans in its wake! Hurrah! Hurrah!

The End of an Era
However, an interview with the top secret Pan-American Lobby vice president, who refused to be named, revealed a different side of the story though. "Our lobby is over," said the vice president, who was taking various things out of his desk and placing them into a box. "This is the worst military set-back on this continent since the Invasion of Canada... I fear that we'll never see an American Empire stretching from Alaska to Zona Austral. I should never have listened to that mad Fleming and that damn knight!" He then took a swig of alcohol and proceeded to shoot himself in the head. After that, he rudely refused to answer any more questions.

The ultra-top secret lobby known as the Anti-American Political Action Committee, or AAPAC, which has a controlling interest in politics these days, gave a press conference today, in which they detailed their future plans for America. "We plan to impeach every president possible, until America no longer has a president, or else has a president too stupid to even tie his or her shoes," said their press agent, "If at all possible, we look to see America ground to dust. We're tired of piggish imperialist Americans pushing smaller countries like Portugal and France around. It'll be much better if America is occupied by a consortium of nations, for the peace of the world. This Mexican War is merely the first step in accomplishing that dream."

In the views of these lobbyists, it's clear that those who screamed for more war without thinking will find themselves in hot water. No longer can self-assured political newcomers expect to be able to shout that America is the best nation around. Instead, they'll have to say that if they ran the country it would be the best nation around.

A lieutenant in the National Guard gave his frank opinion on the situation in Mexico:
"Frankly, it's FUBAR." The blood-covered lieutenant then went back to shooting Portuguese soldiers.