America Is Under Attack, Will You Save It?

Day 1,144, 13:38 • Published in USA USA • by SamWystan

Issue 7
"Great writing as always. Why aren't you at media mogul yet?" ~Mike D Watson, Great American


Socialist Freedom Party Attacks Imperialists
Sixth-party watchers (a group comprised of sixth-party members and Rod Damon) have been paying attention in recent days to the meteoric rise of the eUS Imperialist Party, whose leader, Necros Xiaoban has been proudly trumpeting the return of his party since he purchased it. Assisted by a rigorous recruiting drive, Mr. Xiaoban has assembled a powerful sixth-party. This has earned the ire of rival sixth-party, the Socialist Freedom Party.


(What the SFP wishes it was)

SFP leaders, in their party newspaper the Socialist Freedom Press, used the words of Oscar Wilde to hastily assemble an assault on the ideals of the Imperials. However, their plagiarized attempt fell short, impressing only easy-guiled citizenry. Said one SFP source, "Ask not what your country can do to you, ask what you can do to stop the Imperialists! Four score and seven days ago, we formed a party, in order to form a party. Always remember, never forget, people may hate you, but it's when you begin to hate them, that you destroy them as well! This is no time to make enemies!"


Turks Attempt To Invade America
Turkish businessmen, attracted to America's predominant position in the world economy due to its production power, have contacted numerous American Congressmen to approve citizenship to a handful of Turks in order that they can have fellow Turks work for minimum wage inside the United States. Though The Fieldist is not schooled in business, it seems that there will be very little benefit to the American economy.


(Do we really want to let these guys into the country?)

Most outrageous, are the Turks' demands that they also be given a seat or two in Congress, from which they can "have a voice". That voice would consist of approving more Turkish citizenship approvals which could lead to a sizable political force of Turks within the United States. Said one Turk, "we have no plans to hurt government of USA! We love America! Bang bang, yippie-ki-ay, [expletive]! Haluk! Hide the plans! Uh... plans of loving America." American politicians should remain unconvinced.


Can America and Britain Reach Detente?
An interview in The London Inquirer with newly elected Prime Minister Frerk revealed a willingness of the British chief to reach peace with old enemies, including the United States, arguing that the bad blood between the two nations was so old that it was quickly becoming irrelevant. The American public is notably wary of Britain, but it also was of Brazil. America and Britain are both targeting France for alliance in a post-Phoenix world, with the belief that France will be part of the now-tentatively named "PANAM" alliance (non-American nations resist the name).


(Shaking hands is a good first step)

Will France broker a friendlier relationship between the two English-speaking countries? An unnamed source within the British Foreign Ministry said it was plausible, "Cor, the Frogs could help us befriend you Yanks again. Blimey though, you'd have to stop writing us with such ridiculous bloody accents!" The Fieldist finds that such terms are completely unacceptable, and recommends that we invade Britain until our lost territory is returned. London or bust!


Very Important Letter
Sometimes the loudest things are the ones never spoken.

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