A Flawless Plan for Victory

Day 1,437, 13:40 • Published in USA USA • by Angelini

I’ve been hearing a rumbling of rumors (that have in no way been perpetuated by myself) over the past day or so that I in fact am running for President of the United States of America.

Firstly, let me state that whomever is responsible for these ridiculous claims will be held accountable to every facet of the law.

Secondly, I am, indeed, throwing my incredibly stylish hat into the ring, though swiftly picking it back up before one of you bloody hooligans steps on it.

For those of you who have not heard of me:
I am Angelini.
I am legion.
I do not forgive.
I do not forget.
Expect me.

Who I am is not important, but rather, what I stand for, or, more accurately, sit for, is.

Military Affairs

Simple enough. How hard can Serbia, Poland and Spain be to beat, seriously, guys? Just a good ole pep-up attitude, and we’ll just brush off those old fogies! Channel a little bit of Gandalf’s ‘white magic’* and all of the sudden we’re whipping demons into the abyss, American-style.

*In no way related to cocaine. No-sir-ee-bob.

Domestic Affairs

With this existing on the Internet, do we even need to talk about this? We all know bewbz are the most powerful retention force--stronger than gravity.

Foreign Affairs

You keep on fighting, and I will continue to surfboard off exploding sharks, and invite all our Terra and EDEN buddies to catch the wave of awesome with me.

Economy

The Economy runs on the Bot anyway, so is there really any sense arguing about it? Let’s go kill some Serbs instead.

Cabinet

Of course, the most important aspect of a successful administration is a strong cabinet. One made with the finest cherry, chopped by George Washington himself in an alternate timeline where that story actually had some mote of truth in it, shipped back and forth inside the TARDIS, and finally brought into my Oval Office.

Unfortunately, the Doctor hasn’t showed up with my order yet, so we’re going to have to go with the non-wood backup variety, Paul Proteus, who will be serving as the entire cabinet. It keeps things consistent, he has tons of energy, and most importantly, is stupid enough to say yes.

This month will be flawless, because this plan is flawless. I have concocted the Great Elixer, and we will all become the greatest under its bubbly glory.

So remember, on November 5th:

Angelini for President. At Least I’m Not PizzaTheHut.