Penguin Bowling

I was going to ignore the war module. Somehow I didn't feel bad about that. I was going to get into business and work on being a producer. I hadn't even touched it until tonight. But it was looking quite grim for us in Oregon, and I wanted to do my part. I clicked on the link for the Battle of Oregon and jumped in.

Except I wasn't able to connect. All I was getting were errors and timeouts. Undaunted, I keep trying but give up after 15 minutes of inconnectedness (yeah I make words up, don't hate). A little later I try again, and this time my tubes are clogged, I spend a bunch of time trying to figure out if there's a software problem with my connection, turns out to be a loose connection on a coupler. I have levels of rage building.

Third time is a charm, I'm finally able to deploy, but it wouldn't let me choose my location. I 'dropped in' on a mountain tile just west of the capital. Undaunted, I spend 20 minutes heading east to the first bridge to eventually get to the northwest.

Man I got pummeled! I still hadn't made the connection that a v1 Q1 rifle was like bringing a knife to a gunfight. I got ripped down to 40, flawless victory for a Russkie. I remember the Q5 Assault Rifles I had stored in an org for the zombiepocalypse, and break one out. Surely now with the Damage AND the Defense I could be a fearsome foe and strike terror in the cold soulless heart of Skynet.

The Russian offensive dries up rapidly just past the bridge, and I push due west and down the side of the mountain range, watching scattered Rubot resistance being pummeled just a few tiles ahead of my position. I make it to a clearing and scope out the map. There were more enemies south of the westernmost bridge, so that was where I was going to be an hero for Amurica.

And just then, the connection problems started again. I manage to move two more tiles to the north edge of the bridge, 6 good guys ahead of me, a scattered group of red hooligans just to the southeast. And it was then where I got a scattershot picture of my glorious execution.

I get kicked on the turn I was to move onto the bridge, suddenly the six good guys were replaced by two Russians. I get a faint glimmer of hope and manage to click defend. Kicked again. Reconnect for battle results. Grenade. Grenade. Fade to black.

I wake up with 20 health and Lana asking me if I was still there, because I had not responded in five minutes she was terminating my connection. I never had a chance with you, baby. That gold's goin to your head girl. We could have had something special, and all I asked was to stand as chaff for my country so to slow the enemy one turn. The finest patriot doesn't have a coin to his name.

In the words of Goalie, "In all the battles I've been in, this was one of them."

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