[ZW] TIDUS II LAUNCHES, DISCOVERS PIGS IN HAITI

Day 805, 13:05 • Published in Pakistan Pakistan • by AgentChieftain
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PESHAWAR, Pakistan - It brings me much pleasure to announce that TIDUS II, the successor to the original TIDUS satellite, has been launched successfully into space.

Upon completing its first task, which was to create a graphical map of the Dio-to-pig ratio of the New World's countries, a highly concentrated pocket of pig was discovered on the half-island nation of Haiti.

The original TIDUS I was launched last year to collect and evaluate data regarding space pigs on one of Saturn's moons and represent this data with stunning visuals. It is equipped with an Emotion Engine for detecting levels of butthurt among these intergalactic swine, and a "Graphics Synthesizer" for rendering this data in a graphical format overlaid across a topographical map of the moon in question, Enceladus. God Hand was released for the TIDUS I, but the Intergalactic Network only assigned the program three out of ten points and therefore wasn't very successful.

TIDUS II, however, takes things a step further.

At the cost of five hundred and ninety-nine US dollars (seized from the wallet of the deceased Emerick), TIDUS II is equipped with a Cell processor, which has seven cores dedicated to scientific tasks such as calculating the headcount of swine in third-world countries such as Spain. The SIXAXIS porcine sensor, specifically developed to detect pigs on Enceladus, has been upgraded and retooled for the satellite's new, closer target here on Earth.

The results? See below.



This stunning map shows the levels of pig disgusting across the world. As expected, Sweden, Spain, and the United States are extremely pig disgusting, as well as America's territorial claims and most of these countries' neighbors. Australia is shown to be more pig than previously expected, with the highest concentration of pig being on the southeastern eastern coast. Poland is shown to have high amounts of pig as well, but they're concentrated in their own nation and not their occupied territories.

Thankfully, the Former Pakistani Republic of India is not as pig disgusting as some of our recent estimates have guessed, but Karnataka and Andhra Pradesh are a whole other story.

A few anomalies have appeared, however. Haiti, a nation that occupies the western half of Hispaniola, is apparently a hot spot for hog. Yes, an island nation that has no representation in the New World has levels of pig comparable to Romania in an area that is more than twenty times smaller. How can this be, you ask? I have no verifiable answer at this time, but I have a source from Venezuela that suggests Americans have covertly occupied Haiti in the same manner that they've occupied India, China, Greece, Israel, North Corea, Belgium, Peru, and the rest of their 'freed' allies. More investigation is required to confirm this suspicion, but for now, the Haitian pig anomaly shall remain a mystery.

To improve upon this data, Brazillian space ambassador Cavalcanti will be repairing the satellite after a visit to our embassy on the Moon. He will be escorted from Sao Paulo on a fully loaded PAK-2 Swineherd after having copious amounts of buttsex with his soulmate, Reshev Villanova.




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