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{Water of Air}



That was nice.

Obviously I'm going to go again.



So, this is just fluff. I've lead a wildass life over the past few years, it's been interesting and there are people 'round these parts that'd be interested to read it. If your refined-ass goddamned pallets ain't interested in all these filthy queer antics, consider this a trigger warning.

So, yeah. Moved out of my mom's place not long after. Had sort of a time where I was swapping between a couple friends places. Moved to Minneapolis with that other trans friend I'd had in Saint Cloud into yet another t-babe's house. Slept on an inflatable mattress in a dank basement and matched with a a tall, blonde tgirl on Tinder. Worried she was maybe too cool for me but we went on a date a few days later. Lasted 62 hours.

Did you know adding a heart will completely fk up your article? That was really confusing.

It was kind of an ideal summer. I didn't get a job and found ways to make it work. We did pride. Walked a ridiculous amount of the city. I ditched my car but I driver for her sometimes, cause she gets wound up driving and I'm a rock. Still smoke weed and drive and am still throwing that out like a girl who don't care cause I do not and Keers can suck the lube I squirt after hopping off the f'k machine at Jessica's Jackshack last week. I'll give that one free. You're welcome.

I don't really know where to put this, but it was around this time that I'd gotten into trouble with 'over-sensitive' types in some of the leftie groups I'd been hanging out in. I was dealt with unfairly a couple of times, but not especially. And it began to occour to me that I have this thing where I feel the need to dig into racial issues and try to have some kind of abstract philosophical conversation about things that BIPOC maybe don't think is so abstract. I would do really lowkey passive-aggressive stuff and at some point I was like, 'You know, I can believe some of this is misunderstandings but I can't believe there's nothing else here.' And I started unpacking my paternalizeing, galaxybrain 'I have something interesting to say too, guize!!' racial bullshit. Can't grade myself, but I can say my life is better for it. I don't feel like I'm really doing anything differently, but... I dunnno. Seems people respond different. Maybe just throwing different energy now. It's nice to feel solidarity with other oppressed people.

My girlfriend and I definitely moved in too fast. She had stuff she needed to work out from the 11 year relationship she'd been in and I was trying to sort out my own trauma. Got into a place where I was back in the passenger seat of my life and kinda just being a maid for her and absorbing her increasing moodyness, entitlement and resentfulness. The homeowner, Michelle and a certain someone I had a crush on were also getting into a weird place with each other. It was basically an implosion device constructed from maladaptive queer coping mechanisms. It was kinda surreal to watch happen, if I ignore how f'king bad it hurt, how scared I was about what I'd do and how depressing my life was late last fall.

If I really think about it hard, I can go back to a night not so long before everything collapsed. I'd woken up to the warm ambiance of the Christmas lights strung around the ceiling. Just enough to see around the room but not keep you awake. I sat up on the weirdly proportioned futon mattress, still a little stoned and enjoying the coolness of the basement. The dank hole I had moved into we had managed to rough into the best bedroom I've ever had. The back wall, across from the door, had a mirror that stretched half the length of the room which was the width of the house. She would put on records from her amazing collection and I'd never heard most of it. Decorative flourishes anywhere we could fit them, was the stuff that really sold it. The little things that frame the impression in my mind. I was overwhelmed. A year before, I'd been lost and alone dancing with my cat in my mom's living room and listening to 'What a Feeling' and crying my corny, little heart out. Dreaming of a life. Exactly like the one I had been sitting in. So I cried again. Maybe tapped into it a little for a second there.

Anyway, back to collapse. Michelle had sorta retreated emotionally and mentally and couldn't handle the move. Her chaser boyfriend had work and I jumped on the chance to have something more to do. Moved both of our stuff into a locker mostly by myself in two days, Ms. Kitty (Catt, my girlfeind? ex?) and I were trying to work it out and get through it, so she helped all she could around work. She offered (half-planned on for me) to have me move in with her at her parent's f'kin 5 story palace.

Buuuut... given how things had gone down, it seemed like a bad idea. Michelle and her boy offered to let me stay with his mom back up in bum-f'k nowhere. Ms. Kitty and I had a couple false starts before breaking it off for real. I settled into the most bizarre living situation ever. We tried to make the best of it, but she was spiraling into depression and chaser is just a bundle of anxieties that all remind him that he's a manchild because he fused any desire to "acting like" a child, like it just keeps getting cuter or something? Such that at some point he cannot help but occupy all attention because he will have tuned every facet of experience to him.

So, at some point he starts driving me f'kin crazy, because I'm stuck at least pretending to do the hokey-pokey a little and I start tinkering around in his head. But he's like six miles of defense mechanisms. I can jostle some kind of self-awareness loose from him, now and then but it would mostly be lost by the next bowl. I tried to stop, but between her becoming really depressed and his micromanagement things were clearly deteriorating. Michelle moved back to her parents and I stayed. He had always been trying to flirt with me around her and made her really uncomfortable several times, so I was pretty happy to flaunt it around knowing he ain't getting none of it. Malcovich like, "Look away..."

But, in the background of all this, I'm getting my head back together. I remember dreaming of a life and then somehow I'd made it happen. I could do it again. I wanted it back. I wanted her back.

Okay, so I'm going to leave it there for now and hopefully I will not need to come back again because I like it when they mutilate my article as I post it.

Blessings be,

Λιλιθ Απολλύων
High Priestess of Astaroth in Darkness
Prophet of The God-Emperor Dio Brando

P.S. So, like, apparently the bulk of the 'wildass' stuff is going to be in Part II. It is there, though. There's a riot. I learn magic. I get assaulted. We get lost in a sex dungeon in Kansas for two weeks. I promise. It gets weirder.