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Hello Nation,

I am very honored to be have been chosen by you my fellow Americans to serve as your Vice President. This is a responsibility I do not take lightly, and one I know that I will have to work hard to execute on behalf of those whom I serve.

Today I would like to take you on a bit of a journey through what it’s like to be Vice President. To give you the average citizen an idea of what a VP thinks about most days, and maybe even some insights into me SColbert.

Some have said that being vice president is like being declawed, defanged, neutered, ball-gagged, and sealed in an abandoned coal mine under two miles of human shit. That it is a fate worse than death. This is my third time serving as Vice President and I can assure you that nothing is further from the truth.

Sure you do not have the same responsibilities as the president. Look his days and mine are not better or worse, so much as they are more and less interesting. Would I love to be coordinating military strategy, talking with our allies, and negotiating with our enemies? Of course! But someone has to tour our nation's waste disposal facilities, and speak before American Orthodontist Coalition. These are equally important, and just as interesting.

Everyone tells you that being Vice President is what you make of it. Would I want to make my vice presidency into a presidency? Well it's not something I have given thought to. Do I dream of Tyler becoming incapacitated and me taking the reins of power- free to lead the country in my own image, full of power and not beholden to anyone or anything but my own whims, to command armies and make the decisions that would lead our nation into a new generation of power? It's not something that has come to mind. As I have said before I am very busy speaking to everyday Americans like those members of the Office Supplies Salesmen Alliance of America to have such thoughts.

Do I ever think that maybe one day I could be your president? I would be lying if I did not say the thought hasn't crossed my mind. But as I said I am a terribly busy man enjoying his time in the White House, however long of a time that is (maybe a couple more months?). Being number 2 means that my responsibilities are wide ranging and all encompassing. As a tireless public servant, I do not have time to think of such purely self-serving ideas. My thoughts are only for you the American people, although my eyes might at time stare deeply at the Resolute Desk for hours at a time while I salivate over the idea of me sitting behind it addressing the nation. But of course, now is not the time.

Would I be prepared to serve as president immediately? Of course I would be. My resume is extensive, and my familiarity of game mechanics is almost unparalleled. I would be as close to a perfect candidate as you could find. But that doesn’t mean I have given it much thought. Nope not even a slogan (maybe “New SColbert Now”?) has crossed my mind.

I’m just a regular guy who happens to be Vice President. I have normal conversations, like an average dude would. I know all the lingo of us Joe Averages. Just look at this very common place conversation I had with Tyler:

So I hope that gives you some insight into what being Vice President is like. It’s an important job here in the White House, and one I am completely content on holding.