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Some of you may have seen this fail-tastic article by Brett Miller, in case you haven't, here is the link.

I assure you that if you were to actually read this, yourself, your brain would explode as mine nearly did. Luckily for you, I am used to reading such poorly thought out and horribly written articles and papers. That said, allow me to deconstruct this section by section.

Section 1: "Official announcement"
Section 2: Biography
Section 3: War Games
Section 4: Alliances
Section 5: Military
Section 6: Foreign Policy
Section 7: Economics
Section 8: Education
Section 9: Final Conclusion

Section 1: "Official announcement"
"Running President--Brett Miller"
With what qualifications?
"Running Vice President--Mattoze5"
How did you get him to agree to this? Did you drug him and get him to sign something?

As for you "officially announcing" your intentions "on running for the presidency of the eUSA", let me ask you a few questions:
1) How would you "unofficially" announce your intentions "on running for the presidency of the eUSA"?
2) How does one announce intentions "on" something? Would you not announce your intention to run?

You promise to keep your word in every stance and promise you "give out". Now are these like presents? Are you giving them out to whoever wants them? ARE YOU SANTA?! 😑 Does this promise also apply to desires such as "I would love..." because if not, then I see a lot of ways for you to get out of some of what you would "love" to do if you were to get into office and then never do.

'I will be the "Job Creator in Chief".'
You wish you were Barack Obama? Why? He is one of the biggest failures in the history of real life USA. He promised everything and ended up just continuing the policies of George W. Bush. So you want to be a failure as well? You are already a failure. No need to run for POTUS to accomplish that.

Section 2: Biography
You are a current member of the Republican Party... How many parties were there before that?
"I have been in a lot of parties and did not find one that I really liked."
That clearly applies to the Republican Party as well, yes? No. You go on to contradict yourself in your very next sentence. "I do have a great liking for the Republican Party and the CvP." But wait. You were a member of the CvP before you left. Why do you like them sir? "I have worked with the CvP for some congress issues..." Oh! They let you run for Congress under their party? Oh. So bribery works for you? Hmmmm how much can I pay you NOT TO RUN?

"I have been an active member of the parties that I have helped and been in." Are you trying to repeat yourself ad nauseum? It is as if you were trying to say "I feed myself like a big boy," and instead said "I feed myself like a big boy by putting the food on the fork and putting the fork into my mouth with the food on it so I can eat it like a big boy."... On a related note, "I will continue that activeness trade into being POTUS".... lolwut? .... No really, what in God's name are you trying to say there? I think I have an idea, but your poor grammar and utter lack of any communicative ability really makes it hard to be certain.

"I have helped in a lot of community fundraising..." We have this feature in eRepublik? If not, and you're referencing real life. GTFO! "... and helping of funding parties." You go to parties? Really? Your parents let you out after your bed time? That is very interesting. What's the phone number for Child Protective Services in Maine? Unless of course you are implying that you helped one of your many parties raise gold. If that is what you meant, please tell us how you did so, because we are so uninterested in this. How is this part of your biography? Isn't a biography a bit more about you and a bit less about the parties you didn't do much for?

"I also help every day to fund new jobs for the American people. I would love to carry this with me into office."
And here I thought you could only buy gold packs once a week... or wait, are you trying to imply that you have some kind of economic prowess? I somehow doubt that. As for you loving to "carry this ... into office", I do not think you're rich enough to buy gold packs for the country. If you are, why don't you already? You're clearly ok with bribery so why not buy all your votes for POTUS?

Section 3: War Games
"... We need to ask ourselves why we do it. Many people think that this game basically based on war strategy."
Please learn to use the English language. I am pretty sure that is the language of the eUSA... you know ... where you just so happen to be running for POTUS. If you had ever gone through elementary school you might have learned about verbs like "is" or "are". They really help sentences come together.

"I would have to say it is a big factor in the game. Whether it's a fight to benefit our citizens in a training war or a battle against another country for a region."
1) Really? You really would have to say that? What if you did not have to say that? What would you say then? What do you really think about it?
2) Sentence fragments are not sentences. Sentences usually have some kind of idea they are trying to put forth in general support of the paragraph. You might have learned about this in elementary school.

This next paragraph is just so unintelligible I don't know where to start. To go along with the game terminology he has started two wars, therefore there were many battles, but your sentence fragment "Two big and bloody battles." implies something completely different.

I am really honestly unaware of us losing. I think our overall strategy is actually succeeding very well. That isn't really Jewitt's direction, though. And this section is about War Games. You said so, not me. Why are you talking about actual wars and not about war games? Are you going to start war games? Are you going to discontinue war games during times of peace?

"There has to be some kind of push that we can through into our country."
Seriously? What are you talking about? You want to push the wars into our country?

"I'll do the best to my ability to do that."
Dude. Get someone who can write coherent sentences and maybe someone else will vote for you. If you even make it onto the ballot, I think you might get a handful of votes, if any.

Section 4: Alliances
I was going to say that this might be the first smart thing you have said since the start of the article, but I was wrong. For example, look at this:
"We have done a great job sorting our enemies and allies out. I will continue to stay on top of that."
First you imply that everything is already done but then you act as if the job isn't finished. You see, it is not your job directly to take care of foreign relations. We have a Secretary of State and ambassadors for that. You should be on good terms with the other leaders, but it is not something you will be doing personally each and every day.

"We have never been let down by our allies."
Does anyone here recall the eUK?

"We need to keep them with us and gain more respect from them."
Really? I thought we needed to push them away and have them spit on us more. (If only you could see the face I'm making right now.) Our allies respect us otherwise they wouldn't exactly be our allies. They can not exactly use us easily, the game doesn't allow for it. What other reason would they have for being our ally?

Section 5: Military
"We gain strength every single day!"
I think this statement is so general that it could apply to just about any nation in eRepublik. Could be more specific please?

"We will keep that going and supporting them through every mist of battle. Keeping their orgs stocked and keeping them strong will help the progression as we go."
So you will keep the military training every day? Ok, but everyone in the military already trains daily. Are you going to be stocking our organizations and keeping our strength up? Will you be replacing Lana? And which progression? Is there some cosmic and general progression I do not know about? Or are you talking about things that you would "love" to do again?

"The current, Eugene Harlot as Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff"
Besides the obvious poor grammar, you are so far behind the news that it is disgusting.

"That's why I'll do my best to get him back in that seat. He has my final word for getting him that seat back."
So wait, after everyone commented on your article about how stupid you were for saying that, instead of editing out the part that you said, you added this to make it sound right? He'll never take that job again. He resigned when we nearly lost all of eUSA. And what does your "final word" mean for anything? It means nothing to I would say 99% of the people who play eRepublik.

"If I get elected, I'll do my best job of getting them funding and pre-pared for battle."
1) You have to be placed on the ballot first.
2) Your best job (judging by your previous congressional runs and all your articles) is not much.
3) They are already funded.
4) Prepared has no hyphen.

"I'll make sure they have support all around the clock, no matter what time it is."
Well "all around the clock" implies "no matter what time it is" but I am certain there is a limit to how many hours you can stay awake in one shot. Sleep is necessary, even for you.

"I am very excited to get into office to work with our military one on one. I will be there anytime of the day to protect and serve my country."
There is more than one person in the military Brett, unless of course you meant you were going to give each of us our weapons individually. Then again no one can ever know what you mean. You already said you would be around "all around the clock, no matter what time it is" you didn't have to bring it up again. It seems as if you are trying to beat dead horses, over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. Also, "anytime" is a word, but in your sentence you should have said "any time". Spaces do make a difference.

Section 6: Foreign Policy
"We have been giving it our all overseas against North Korea and China. There is much more we can bring to the table."
By your own admission, we have been doing everything we can, and yet you say that there is more that we can do. If we are doing everything, as you said, how can we do more? How can we stretch beyond our limits? Please tell us almighty god Brett Miller who needs no sleep and has no limits. (Sarcasm in case you did not happen to catch it)

"Working with our alliances and making things happen is an easy task that I will use in my electing strategy. Cutting off wars and gaining new MPP’s would be a great idea."
Really? It is so easy to make things happen? Why was it so hard to get elected to Congress? Why is it so hard to use proper English when you write an article? Why is it so hard to write "Mutual Protection Pacts"? Why is it such a difficult task to write complete sentences? And what connection does war, alliances and your "electing strategy" have? What wars should we "cut off"? Which ones are expendable? Should we send more troops into Afghanistan Mr. Obama-Wannabe? Which new Mutual Protection Pacts can we "gain"? And if it is such a great idea, why has a more intelligent person not already thought of this?

"We could gain more experience and power along with the eUS. But, there is a lot that comes with MPP’s. They will not be easy to find, nor happen. We have many enemies and some allies. Gaining respect would be a good goal to bring to the line in this term."
1) Please explain the direct correlation between mutual protection pacts and "experience and power along with the eUS". Please be certain to expound on this "along with the eUS" part. It seems... out of place.
2) "But there is a lot that comes with MPP's." is another fragment sir.
3) As far as I knew, mutual protection pacts never just "happen". In fact, never in the history of this game has that been a known event. Why should you bring it up then? Are you in on some new module to be released by the administrators?
4) "We have many enemies and some allies." Can you name all of them?
5) "Respect" seems to be your focus this election Brett. Can you tell me, is 'respect' all you want out of this game? Do you really desire some form of respect that you continue to make a fool out of yourself? Is that what you want so dearly? Why do you play this game? Why not first respect yourself and improve your intelligence?

"If we got out and spoke out, we could gain a lot of attention from other countries. I would plan on doing that."
If we "got out" where? Are we locked into something we should not be? EDEN? ARE YOU AGAINST EDEN?! To be honest, since we have so many enemies, wouldn't you think we have gained a lot of attention and it has not been positive?

"We need to stay active and loyal to our current alliances and still reach out to other possible MPP’s."
So here is a simple trick you learn in elementary school when you write a sentence. Remove "and loyal" and read the sentence.
Go ahead.
I'll wait.
Do you see why this article is nearly impossible to read without one's head exploding? Forget your botched attempt to say that we have other possible allies.

Section 7: Economics
Skipping over the desire to be Barack Obama, we see that you can not distinguish between "Our" and "Are". Let's take a quote:
"Are Economy has been very strong even with the oversea fighting. Actually, we raise our economy day by day."
So, this should be "Our economy..." if you were to write it properly. But more importantly you imply that international wars normally hurt our economy? That inherently implies that intra-national wars (civil wars) help the economy. If you knew any part of history, you would know you are making false implications. But wait, you then go on to say that our GDP rises every day. I do not usually follow this to be honest, but it doesn't sound right. Do you have any data to support your claim Brett?

"Are military couldn’t be in any better situation as it is in now. I will continue to keep it that way."
Again, "Our military..." but more importantly, what situation is our military in right now? Do you even know? My guess is that you have no clue. If I am correct, how are you going to keep it that way if you do not even know what you are talking about? Hmmmm....

"Continuing our war games would help dramatically. I will also help fund new jobs to eAmerican every single day of my 1st term. I want to get more jobs published in construction."
Excuse me Brett but which war games are we conducting right now? Oh, and again with your claims of riches and wealth? Are you going to create one new company every day? Are (note my correct usage of the verb) they all going to be construction jobs? Or are you going to publish articles about fake jobs in construction. You did not say you wanted to "create" jobs in construction, you said you wanted to "publish" more jobs in construction. What does that even mean?!

Section 8: Education
"Our mentor program grows everyday. Keeping that active and strong will continue to keep the eUS strong and give many citizens knowledge for the future."
Do you know why it grows everyday? It grows everyday because new citizens sign up every day for a mentor. How will helping citizens through their first couple weeks strengthen the eUS if they inevitably decide to quit anyway? You optimally want to retain every citizen possible. The Mentor Program helps with that, but is not the panacea.

"This program branches off into different varieties. We have, Meals on Wheels and Guns for Huns."
If I remember correctly, the Mentor Program is under the Welcoming Committee and is the umbrella committee for Meals on Wheels and Guns for Huns. The Mentorship Program may help you find these, but does not direct them.

"Keeping our API tracking system strong and up to par would be touch up on our mentor program."
Please, please, please learn what you're talking about or just learn the English language so you can coherently explain what you mean.

"I promise to improve our education weekly."
I would love specifics on this.

Section 9: Final Conclusion
"It would be an honor and a great responsibility to be the POTUS. I promise to do everything that I have stated in this article."
You already said it would be "an honor and a great responsibility to be the POTUS". I think you said it twice before this. It doesn't matter, we already know you like beating dead horses more than kyle321n. To be honest though, you promised nothing specific. You made general promises like "I promise to be a good boy" but you didn't tell us how. If you maybe promise to tell us how you pledge to accomplish all these "promises", you might have an actual campaign article instead of some mindless ramblings.

"I will do my best and not let down anyone. I believe I can do well in office and gain new roles everyday."
Brett, you will your best to let us down. This seems to be the one thing you are actually good at. You might take my word for it, few people think you will do well if you are elected to any office. As for you promising to expand the office of the President, I highly doubt many people would want anyone to do that, but more specifically, no one would ever want you to do that.

"So, take my hand and help me through this election and let’s start a new track."
Dude, I don't swing that way and if I were to help you through this election, would I really be writing this article? And what is this "new track" you are referencing? Is it for your dead horses?

You are not welcome,
Ian John Locke IV

TO MY SUBSCRIBERS
Please be sure to distribute this. I am certain that Brett will try and report my original article and it probably seems a bit combative, but it is important that the eUS see all the flaws in his campaign. I would not be patriotic if I allowed him or anyone like him on the ballot. Notice, I am not campaigning against him. I am campaigning, isntead, against incompetence in general and he happens to be a member of the church of incompetence.

To those of you with a sense of humor, I hope you enjoy the humor in here. For those of you without it, I'm sorry you have no soul.

For those of you that missed some of my more high-brow jokes, here are some lolcats: