[SS] Noted Do-Gooder Arrested for Shoplifting

Day 1,168, 16:52 • Published in Canada Canada • by Dominik




A former pornographic actor, Reginald Wallace Stevenson, Duke of Birmingham, known by his porn star moniker, saltydog, has turned himself into police custody after several cases of shoplifting were discovered.

saltydog, known throughout the neighbourhood as a kindly do-gooder, stole over $900 in merchandise from local department stores. The merchandise was mostly comprised of candy bars, lawn-mowers, blankets and children's underwear. Laura Popacock, a local soccer mom, was shocked to hear of the arrest. "I've always considered saltydog to be such a caring, upstanding member of the community," she said.

"Whenever the kids were playing soccer, he would stand there and watch over them in that nice, respectable trenchcoat of his," she recalled. "He would even offer to treat the children for injuries in his van!"

Despite his good deeds, saltydog was slowly building up a vast criminal empire. In addition to his theft, he faces accusations of loitering and even jaywalking. saltydog is due to appear in court on April 16th after a $400 bail was posted by a mysterious gentleman in an SS uniform, an admirer of Mr. dog's.

saltydog turned himself in earlier today after arriving at the police station in a bunny costume and a truck, the origin of which is unknown. A police raid of saltydog's home found only evidence of his former Good Samaritan lifestyle- hundreds of well-cared-for plants and a small laboratory.

"I've always loved gardening and science," saltydog explained. "I regret deeply my actions and apologise to those whom I may have hurt, especially the Wal-Mart corporation."

Wal-Mart issued a press statement today noting amongst other things that their budget for whips to use against third world children was noticeably smaller thanks to the robberies.

saltydog is going to engage in volunteering activities- yelling incessantly at people suspected of being related to somebody who knows a criminal until they admit they don't support thieves- while waiting for his court appearance.