[Say 'Hello' To Your New Ambassador]

Day 783, 13:19 • Published in United Kingdom USA • by Ian John Locke IV

Allow me to introduce myself, I am Ian John Locke IV and I've been playing this game for a saddeningly very long time. I am so old that I remember when dishmcds played the game in the eUSA. I am so old that I remember when GLadDOS wasn't a troll. I'm so old that I remember when Harrison Richardson was Franco and no country could open a war against another.

You incompetent little yellow teeth slaves are probably saying:
So our new ambassador from the eUSA is Ian John Locke IV, who gives two teabags? After all, why would they bother sending us an ambassador?

Well to be honest it isn't for any reason your tiny mind could comprehend so I would advise you to move down and onto the picture book I've assembled for all of you.

[First Reason I was sent here]
I was sent here because we are told your women look like this:


And I've been told you desire American help to make them look more like this:


I will certainly be glad to pass on some beauty tips from dishmcds hairdresser but it makes you wonder why he was holding them back in the first place.

[Second Reason I was sent here]
I've been told you are having problems with "The Google"


Luckily for you, I have an in with Eric Schmidt... I can help you fix that up right away, but for the right price.

[Third Reason I was sent here]
As most everyone knows Poland has destroyed Germany and apparently there are a great deal of Germans living in your country (see: Hey Germany, I got your back).

I have a great deal of experience helping foreign people integrate into new societies as well as a great knowledge of the eUK's history. One bit of advice I would give eGermans in their new "safe haven" is that the eUK, and dishmcds especially, has a great love of turning its back on its friends and allies. I wholly expect to see you guys given the short end of the stick before you ever see eGermany again.

I understand they want you to move to London so you can save their country, but what did they do for you before eGermany was wiped off the map? Anyway, I can only help you by telling you to help Phoenix directly by donating as much as you can to this organisation. I am only telling you this to help you eGermany. Once you see the light of enlightenment, you might actually realize EDEN is the greater alliance.

[Fourth Reason I was sent here]
I see that the eUK is doing so terribly that they have resorted to communism. You see, apparently the eUK cannot support itself through its taxes and needs YOUR DONATION. But wait, why then do you pay taxes? Aren't your taxes supposed to support your country's defenses? Why do they need your donation? It isn't a loan. You aren't going to get it back and you're still going to lose your nation all the same. So why are you donating to the eUK? Please, do right by yourself and fight back against your communist regime and tell your Minister of Defense, polio, where he can donate his communism in his article.

[Final Reason I was sent here]
It appears that as the creators of your own language, you can no longer speak it properly (see: eUK Forums, IRC, and how to fight in the correct battle 😮).

If I may quote Kumnaa "Make sure you fight in the write battle"

If you will excuse me for a moment, but WTF?! He cannot even muster the strength to use proper English in the country formally known as ENGLAND?!

These are your leaders ladies and gentlemen? Communists and illiterates? Please tell me how you expect to survive EDEN's onslaughts when your leaders are incompetent fools? How? You have already lost two regions to EDEN. You will certainly lose more.

You will also see me fighting there along side EDEN's forces making sure every one of your communist regions is conquered.

Allow me to suggest a new national flag for the eUK:

Congratulations on your new ambassador eUK.

Sincerely,
Ian John Locke IV