[Private Eye - Issue One] Interviews with today's Political figures.

Day 2,102, 17:20 • Published in United Kingdom United Kingdom • by p00kachu

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like to Welcome you to the first edition of my Private Eye. If you're unaware, Private Eye is a British Political Satire Magazine edited by Ian Hislop (The Short Bald Man on the left on 'Have I got News for you' who looks Chinese when he's laughing). I will attempt to look at, analyse and comment on the goings-on of the eWorld, eUK and anything else that's worth reading. So here's our Line-Up for this weeks Issue. It's just under two-weeks until we elect our new Prime Minister / Country President (I still prefer the PM), and with that I took the time to interview WookieO, the bookie's favourite, on what he plans to do, how and how he got to where he is. Secondly, we have a Statement from HM Mr Woldy on the current status of his country. But first off, Please Enjoy this small story on my best friend, Mr Goku Jones.

And so Castles made of sand melt into the sea, Eventually.

In this new term, the Ministry of Recruitment was revived in an attempt to boost our country's populace. For a full flavoured Community or for Cannon Fodder? That remained to be seen. Alas my friends, Goku resigned on August Nineteenth at Four Thirty PM, GMT 0. A Cowardly move I daresay. Goku claims it is the criticism he received from his article and his "work" thus far. But it seems to me that Mr Jones, yet again, has been the source of another Parliamentary screw-up. Yes, someone who stormed into the Kitchen and was thrown out by the heat. I don't want to be so harsh but I feel like for a long time, Goku hasn't received the criticism he deserves. Intelligent Criticism. Because that would then be the only intelligence in Goku's being. A man who is proud of being a liar and a cheat now says "I am too vunerable to being upset by trolling and reacting very badly to trolling and htting back, that doesn't make me a bad person and it doesn't make me bad at what I do." Speak for yourself Goku but I think I won't be alone when I say "Try the other one, Son. It's got bells on". I shall end this here with a statement from

Mr Keers himself: "You obviously had no plans for this term, in fifteen days I've barely seen the tiniest bit of criticism. Everyone was waiting to see what you did before they criticised. And the answer is clear: you didn't do anything. That's when people said "oh what a surprise".

You can't follow through on promises
You can't take criticism
You can't take responsibility

These three things is why you're totally unsuited to any sort of leadership positions. "

Find the full discussion here.

An Interview with the Hairy-Man Himself, WookieO.

Moving Swiftly on to my first guest of this paper, WookieO! The Skatalites' Candidate for the upcoming election, backed by the er.. "Free Willy" party and the once-great UKRP. We had a small chat and here's what he had to say:

p00kachu: First Off, Lets get a bit of background information about you. What parties have you stood under, any positions worth noting? This is more for an intro, anything worth putting on paper.

WookieO: Okey dokey.

Well I began my political career in a party run by Maximus Decimus.Meridius called Guardians of the United Kingdom, but left soon after when I was tempted by Dr Hugh Jardon to join the Independent Alliance.

That was a great party and if Hugh hadn't gone mad and moved Down Under, it might still be going! That was when I made my last move to the Skatalites. Chaz and Wayne are a force for good in the eUK and their articles promoting having fun and not taking anything too seriously were a magnet for me.

As a member of the Skatalites I've been a deputy Minister of Home Affairs under two CPs and even got a seat in Congress in the last elections. It's been a wild couple of months for me 🙂

p00kachu: Haha it sounds it, Gosh I remember my first stint. New Era, ho boy. So you and I are fairly similar in terms of career. That's good to hear. So if you would be so kind, please outline the Skatalites' manifesto and how that works with your own goals as CP?

WookieO: I wouldn't say there's an actual official Skatalites manifesto written down anywhere...at least I've not seen it. Chaz might be hiding it in the drinks cabinet though.

We're an incredibly laid back party and are here to promote the good things in life. That means that as CP I wouldn't rock the boat in terms of changing anything radically.

I'm not here to make sweeping changes, I'm here to help the eUK get some of those smiles back. Since I've been around the eUK there's been a sense of apathy throughout much of the populace and this has been mirrored somewhat in the political catfights that have been ongoing in the last few months.

I'm not going to promise to be able to stop that magically, but I hope to inject some of the attitude that I and the Skatalites thrive on to the rest of the eUK.

p00kachu: You know what? I have absolutely no doubt you are the right man for the job. I had my doubts but you sir? You're the real McCoy. So lets just glide over it all and ask a few more points. /How/ do you intend to execute said plan of smiles?

WookieO: That's easy! Distribute lots of drugs to everyone 😉

Only joking...
...I think

I don't want to give all my secret plans away yet obviously, but with a targeted plan of articles, wars in the right places (in line with TWO still though, I like them crazy sods over at TWO HQ) and general back patting, thigh slapping and sing-a-longs we can get where we want.

p00kachu: Haha, I'm a fan of both ideas. Now, in one sentence. Why should the eUK vote for you?

WookieO: The eUK should vote for me because I'm cute, furry and can sing Otis Redding's "Dock of the Bay" like a boss.

p00kachu: Thanks for your time pal, It's been a good chat.

~

So that concludes the interview with WookieO himself. A man of Smiles and Happiness. Lost not on the Grey Areas of Circular ePolitics but founded on the hard-graft of having Fun. A man after my own heart. I daresay I think I know where my Ballot lies.

A Word from Our King

After an incredibly successful term in Office, HM Mr Woldy graced me with an interview on his views on the eUK and the happenings of his own country. So without further ado, here's the interview! I'm sure you'll find it as inspiring and collected as I did.

p00kachu: So Woldy, What's your opinion on the current status of the eUK? Are we moving backwards? Are we dead in the water or are we moving anywhere?

HM Mr Woldy: I actually think it's pretty hard to say. I would say that the past two months or so have been quite stable; though that isn't to say all is well. Politically, and I don't even mean the incessant party bickering, there is great space for improvement. We need to seriously keep pushing Congress so that we actually have a body of representatives, which is something that for at least a year has been difficult to achieve on a month by month basis. I am continuing to try and get various groups of people to rethink Congress and engage with the new player, as I have been for months but progress is generally slow without large cross-party support, which in the current climate is hard to achieve.

p00kachu: Alright, so which areas do you think we as a county can improve? I believe personally we need to work as a tight-knit community of different ideas, not a country split into four.

HM Mr Woldy: You are right that we need to improve our community values, various parties and politicians have manoeuvred us into an us and them society, and whats worse is they continue to convince new players that this is how the eUK operates and the only framework in which they can approach the game. It's actually pretty petty and very frustrating.

p00kachu: Now, down to the real stuff. In your last term you successfully aided TWO in invading and holding the eUSA, another feat of excellence as you had done so previously I believe? We see now that the eUSA have got their land back with the aid of the Mexicans (Sounds familiar). What's your take on this? Do you think enough is enough or do you think we should have kept a firm hold upon it?

HM Mr Woldy: I had done so previously, yeah. I seem to have a legacy for invading America I think it's important to remember that in war, and in alliance politics more generally the pendulum of power will always swing from side to side as time goes by. Wiping a country gives them a common purpose, and with a tough country like the USA I don't think anyone who thought they would remain wiped for say, more than four months tops, had fully considered the facts. CoT is having a brief surge and has gotten a bit cocky, but ultimately, the fun is in the actual wipe, especially when it comes to the US. Holding onto them is just an afterthought, and not always a top priority. As we have seen.

p00kachu: And lastly, the eUK, if not the eWorld, has a huge issue with slander articles. It seems the only way we can get anywhere nowadays is buying votes or stabbing someone in the ribs in the press, I must admit I was guilty of this once but I can't say its a preferred method. Do you think this is right? Or is this just further hindering our progression as a country?

HM Mr Woldy: Frankly, the media module is very undervalued by both the players and the admins. It is absolutely essential as a means of promoting pluralism (and so democracy) and for holding people to account, as well as reinforcing community ideals. I could write an essay on its importance, so I shall try and keep brief. In short, the ability to vote buy and people just generally buying articles up into the top 5 is crappy. It is degenerative and distorts players vision of reality. I can portray this through a number of scenarios. Firstly, the ability to buy your way into the top 5 is literally the ability to buy the appearance of power or influence. The smallest party in the UK could feign support and popularity simply by purchasing votes. We may know that they have been purchased, but there will eb a mass of players who don't, and this facade can easily influence people to join or support them - which in itself perhaps isn't a bad thing, although when the cause being supported is flawed or generally erroneous or manipulative, it can be quite damaging. This is something to especially be wary of around election time. A simpler scenario is one that HUNDREDS of players have experienced, and that is the fact that they may start a paper, or try writing, publish an article, get a decent amount of votes, yet find themselves drowned out in top 5 vote bought spam. This plainly sucks simply because it discourages people from writing, and lowers their self worth. That not only makes people turn away from journalism (which is essential for asking questions, holding people to account, and generally maintaining a discursive element in the political module) but also makes people turn away from the game itself. Another possibility to consider relates to the first; we have seen how already some parties have made 'sister' or 'clone' parties, however you may wish to term them, and that effectively is an affront to pluralism. It again plays on ignorance to create an appearance of influence that through simple foucaldian knowledge/power relations can be exercised as a political force. This is relevant to the discussion on the media module, because vote buying has transferred influence from people who can actually write a persuasive argument and to people who have money. The rich, in other words through the media module are able to exercise very real and potentially damaging power. Another thing worth noting is the us and them mentality has now created an environment in which it is a simple taboo for a member of one party to comment on the actions of another. It is shouted down, often quite maliciously (or pathetically) as propaganda or trolling. In other words, and I realise now that this is a huge answer, the media module cannot achieve it's primary function because of a) vote buying and b) the party-political environment that exists now in the eUK. It is neutered. I am sorry that is so long.

Well, I apologise for the length folks but if you endured the wall of text, we can see that HM Mr Woldy never fails to deliver especially when it comes to his own Kingdom. Wise words from a wise man.

A Few Words from the Editor...

This was the first edition of my new paper, If it was too long, too dry - Please. Tell me. The comment box is there at your disposal. Vote, Subscribe and share. If you've got something you want said? PM me your own section or ask me to write it, I'll do it. If it needs to be heard? It will be heard.

Lastly, Depending on the success/failure of this paper, I am looking for a Foreign "Columist" as it were and an Economist. People who know their salt and ready to give out a Paragraph or too.

Yours,
p00kachu