[MoHA] The Complete Guide To Fighting Someone IRL

Day 2,911, 07:04 • Published in United Kingdom United Kingdom • by Hail Astrid


Yo,

You've probably seen MoHA's complete guide to the war module, and it's pretty good stuff. As MoHA, I officially endorse MoHA's informative article.

(Not financially, though, due to mad budget constraints at the Ministry of Hail Astrid. I get, like, zero dollars from the government for this ground-breaking work. Call your Congressman now to correct this injustice! Riot in the streets!)

So anyway this ain't the Ministry of Home Affairs, this is the Ministry of Hail Astrid, and we don't f*ck around with useless information like how to actually play this game. We provide you with the little details that everyone misses out in their guides, but are vital to the core gameplay experience of eRepublik, such as how to properly proceed in a "Fite Me IRL" situation on eRepublik.

WARNING: yo momma jokes ahead. proceed with caution.



1. The Challenge

In a typical situation, two users disagree with one another on a particular issue. This issue can be literally anything - and I mean anything. Possible case scenarios include:

- generic insults
- differing views of opinion
- "trolling" behavior (however, this can easily be classified under "differing views of opinion")
- RL political issues/racism, such as:
- which fruit would win if they were sentient and could fight
- whether to break spaghetti noodles in half before cooking
- whether or not Bush and Blair invaded Iraq without concrete evidence of possession of weapons of mass destruction, and whether they mistook those weapons of mass destruction for my mixtape
- the various characteristics of yo momma
- whether or not eRepublik Labs should purchase TVs for their users
- etc, etc.

As you can see, the list goes on and on. Yes, it does. Yes, it DOES. How stupid do you have to be to think it doesn't? Are you disagreeing with me over the Internet? Really? Even yo momma wouldn't disagree with that, and yo mama's so dumb that when she saw the "Under 17 not admitted" sign at a movie theatre, she went home and got 16 friends. You think I won't instantly reply to your comment and then stay up the whole night refreshing the page to see if I've convinced you that this list, in fact, does go on?!

You know what? Fite me IRL



2. Setting Up The Fight IRL

Congratulations on your great success! The magic words have been spoken. It is irrelevant whether you or the other guy made the declaration, for to decline the challenge would be unthinkable. Even yo momma wouldn't be dumb enough to do that, and Yo Momma so dumb she bought tickets to Xbox Live.

What you need to do now is handle the logistics of the challenge. This is often overlooked - with a global massively multiplayer online game like eRepublik, where at least two people may not live in RL Serbia, you really never know where your opponent lives in RL. Who knows, he may even be yo momma. So first, you need to verify where your opponent lives via some form of online communication. PMs are a definite no. I personally recommend Tinder, it's practically made for situations like this. Plus Hilary Duff's on there, so you could try to fite her IRL as well if she's in the nearby vicinity.

Once you have confirmed opponent's location via dating site app, you will need to start planning your trip. It doesn't matter if he lives in some Plato-forsaken place like Dundee, or if you live in some Plato-forsaken place like Dundee. In fact, it does not even matter if the fight takes place in somewhere neither of you live, but is equally inaccessible and unfavourable to both of you. Such as Dundee. This is of no concern.

Flights must be booked, and accommodations at hotel rooms or friend's apartments must be arranged. You may also plan a trip itinerary if you have invited a significant other along and you are planning to stay a few days (this very much depends on a case-by-case basis. In the case that you are travelling to Dundee and your significant other can be stuffed in a suitcase and blown up when it is time to have meaningful conversations, it is obvious that activities such as white water rafting is out of the question.)

Finally, you will need to seek your parent or guardian's permission. Now, I bet you think this is just a set-up for a yo momma joke. But it's not. Seriously, you need parental approval to undertake an IRL fight. It says so in the annals of the eRepublik Laws. Deep, deep in those annals.

In terms of dress code, flip flops are essential. If you don't have any flip flops, you can easily make your own at home with this handy guide:

1. Buy a pair of high heels.
2. Ask yo momma to wear them.
3. Ta da, you have flip flops!



3. The "Hold Me Back" Process

After you have maxed out all your credit cards (and, for the lack of sufficient funds, yo momma's) paying for the trip, you need to ramp up the trash talking. At this point, you must consistently hype yourself up to the point where you are basically Bruce Lee, if he played eRepublik and spent his time online instead of doing hardcore martial arts training to surpass the pinnacle of human physical ability. Whatever. You must also refer to your opponent as a "nerd", because he spends his time playing this online game (unlike YOU! Haha what a loser!). If you're feeling uncreative, you may gain inspiration from this Pulitzer Prize-winning piece of literature:

u are 1 f*cking cheeky kunt mate i swear i am goin 2 wreck u i swear on my m*ms life and i no u are scared lil b*tch gettin your mates to send me messages saying dont meet up coz u r sum big b*stard with muscles lol f*ckin sad mate really sad jus shows what a scared lil g*y b*y u are and whats all this crap ur mates sendin me about sum bodybuildin website that 1 of your faverite places to look at men u lil f*ckin g*y b*y fone me if u got da b*lls cheeky pr*ck see if u can step up lil qu*er

At this point, you have basically established that it is a bad idea for him to fite u IRL, and he should drop out of the arranged contest, lest he be "wrecked".



4. You Drop Out Of The Contest

Despite your substantial efforts, it is unlikely that he will agree to drop out of the contest, with the reason being that his momma didn't raise no quitter, although she did try to raise her IQ by standing on a chair. Thus, it is down to you to come up with a reason to call off the contest at the last moment.

Now you're treading on dangerous territory - you cannot appear to be backing down. If you come up with some lame excuse, you will earn the disapproval of your online peers, which is basically the end of the world.

What you need to do is fake your own death using an elaborate system of pulleys, Japanese fighting fish and potted plants to give the appearance that you were murdered by Wall Street for trying to make them answer for their unchecked greed. This is a relatively simple step considering what we've gone through so far, so I won't go into detail about it here.



Great Success!

Congratulations! You have successfully navigated one of the more difficult experiences in eRepublik. Hopefully this guide will prove useful for those who were unsure about how to respond to a "fite me IRL" challenge before. For those who unfortunately found the instructions unclear and got their d*ck stuck in a fan, please make me aware of your plight so I may make a guide to help you out with that at some point in future.

Thank you and eat rice
Hail Astrid
Minister of Hail Astrid