[DLS4CP] The Potential VP Address

Day 2,080, 09:29 • Published in USA USA • by SColbert
Mood Music

Hello Nation,

It is with pleasure that I address you as a candidate for the position of Vice President of this great, not real, country. I do not let the fact that this position holds little power deter me from taking a tone of superiority. Sure you could say I was asked by Dr Luis Sentieiro (hereby referred to as DLS because that is a long name) to take this position out of political necessity, but then you would have to ignore the fact that I have only been in USWP for 2 and a half months and my influence over those in the party is rather small despite my position of Chief of Staff for the party.

It is my privilege to celebrate this potential president, because we're not so different, he and I. We both get it. Guys like us, we're not some brainiacs on the nerd patrol. We're not members of the factinista. We go straight from the gut. That's where the truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. Now, I know some of you are going to say, "I did look it up, and that's not true." That's because you looked it up in a book. Next time, look it up in your gut. I did. My gut tells me that's how our nervous system works.

I'm a simple man with a simple mind. I hold a simple set of beliefs that I live by. Number one, I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states. I am also a man willing to take bribes. As a prerequisite for my agreeing to serve as VP I also asked for the state of South Carolina upon its freeing from those freedom hating Serbs. So you could also say I am running to be President of South Carolina.


Now that I have graced you all with those lines of America loving, communist bashing, awesomeness I come to the part of my article, where by the formula of my own writing, I must make it meaningful (and not by copying and pasting). I try not to preach morals too often so bear with me if I become too preachy. Don’t worry my formula says that I have to end with some sort of satire as well.

An idea that I believe is inherently American is people’s want for change (not the Obama kind), to improve upon the past, to change of guard if you will. DLS chose me not because of my great experience as PP of Vox Populi, or my work in the Interior and Education departments, but because like you all he too desires for new faces, new ideas, and a new way to look at things. I bring that to the table. I have never held a position in government past the title of “deputy to” or “director of” and that is what makes me a unique voice in this election, and what makes this candidacy a refreshing change of pace from what we Americans have come to accept as the norm.

Thank you for reading, and I ask that you consider me for President of South Carolina, and Dr Luis Sentieiro (I lied! See I just spelled out his name again) for POTUS.


Ok listen up everybody, keep your voices down, I’m going rogue right now. We’ve got these SColbert4CP t-shirts available now. Just try to wait till after the 5th to wear them. Because I’m not going anywhere, and I’m certainly not going back to South Carolina. If I’m not going to the White House I’m either running in 4 months or I’m going to be a male white Oprah. So I’m good either way.