[CHARTICLE] WHERE YOU GO WHEN YOU eDIE

Day 2,960, 21:57 • Published in USA USA • by Chutley



Where You Go When You eDie

As I look at my poor old newspaper I see that my last article was written nearly 700 days ago. This tells me it’s been nearly two years since my last login (though if we’re being honest I did a few stealth logins to give Gnilraps shit for still being on the site).

Each time I visited my page I saw: “Dead Citizen.” That’s so depressing, but the vision did create one interesting existential conundrum (and opportunity). I realized I had died…while being alive! I could have pulled the George Griffin move and pretended like I was my relative logging in to say I died to get sympathy responses, but I’m not nefarious, egomaniacal, or sociopathic enough to pull off such a task.

Instead, I chose to remain dead among the living. But now I’m back for an indeterminate though likely truncated period of time. While I’m here, let me elaborate the experience of being eDead for you. Here’s a short list of five places of where you go when you eDie:



1. Outside

It’s not for everyone, I grant you, but the air is fresh and at night there are strange blinky things in the thingy in the above-my-head-dark-scary-place. Oh and during the day you can see actual real people. Get this: real people have bodies attached to the bottom of their avatar faces! But if you get too close some of them smell different than computer monitors, which is a real mindfck. I brought my computer mouse with me – figured I’d need it to perform actions but it turns out my arms, hands, and fingers were able to do a lot more than just click.

Speaking of fingers – and this may get a bit raunchy but it’s important – if someone ever asks you the definition of “digital penetration,” just tell him or her it means vaginal insertion with fingers. Don’t stick out two fingers and push them through an almost-clenched fist – that elicits a different and not altogether educative or appreciative response.

Another finger suggestion – don’t pick your nose on your first day of work. Even if you’re in the clear at the time, people are always coming over to introduce themselves and shake your hand. Once I picked my nose, got a choice boog and a nice old man came to shake my hand. I panicked, shook it, and when he left I looked at my hand which previously held the enormous nose candy – it was gone.

The point is: I was outside.




2. …the bathroom to take approximately 900 shits

Quick calculations tell me in that time span I shat 900 times, in case you were wondering. Breakdown was probably something like 100 the runs, 300 smooth but healthy, 400 perfectly executed, 80 painful, 15 unaccounted for, and 5 misfires. What’s a misfire, you ask? Well that all depends on context – like was I squatting at a public restroom? Running up the stairs but not-quite-in-the-nick-of-time? I’ll leave that to your imagination. No don't imagine it. It's gross. Funny, but gross.

Here’s something else for you to think about: chicks.




3. …to bed on time.

Or somewhere close to that. When you eDie you don’t have to wait up until 1:00 am on election nights pretending like you care about who gets voted into congress because you have certain people with whom you occasionally converse that would absolutely go bananas if he didn’t win and was named George Pumpkinette. That guy doesn’t still log on does he? If he does I’m in huge trouble and my real life may actually be in danger. Someone call 911 if I’m not back in a few days.


4….to other rooms in the house.

This applies mostly to people using desktops: Did you guys know that, depending on your house, you probably have other rooms in which you can also spend time besides the one that has your computer in it? Be forewarned – if you’re anything like me, prepared to be disappointed that none of the rooms has a fireman’s pole in it. I mean, how fun would that be though? Just sliding right down into your kitchen to get a snack. Like right into the pantry. Or what if the pole dropped right onto the toilet and you could just assume a shitting position on your way down, unclenched, cheeks open, ready to go. Amazing.

Let me revise something: your house may have a pole in it, but that just means you live with a whore.




5. …to pick whole bouquets of whoopsy-daisies.

That’s right, I made a lot of mistakes. Will I mention them here? No. Well, maybe one. Hmm, let me think…oh I know – I signed back onto eRepublik. God help me. God help us all.





Returningly,
Chutley