[AMP] An Astonishing Tale of AMPery

Day 2,403, 17:00 • Published in USA USA • by OfficerFriendly

Let’s start from the beginning, shall we…
Once upon a time, I was helping out our brothers, the Croatians, with a spot of trouble they were having with the wicked Serbs. Their homeland was being invaded by the monsters, once again, and I was attempting to aid in its defense when I was captured. They blindfolded me, and brought me to a dark, moist dungeon.


Just to help set the scene.

I knew for sure that they were going to have their way with me. I was young. Vulnerable. Fresh meat. “I’m still in D1 for God’s sake! Have mercy!” I cried out. But, they didn’t acknowledge my cries, because they didn’t even speak American.



American, Muthah Fuckah! Do you speak it!

They tied me to a wooden chair - not gently, I might add. The room smelled of urine-soaked mold. They unveiled my eyes and in front of me was a stained projector screen. As they moved behind me, the projector fired up, and a series of images began to flutter across the screen in rapid succession. They were pictures of American flags and bald eagles, interspersed with the words “freedom” and “brotherhood.” At first I was confused. What did they think they were trying to do? Then I saw it... The slideshow froze for an extended beat on a single image. My heart stopped.



The horror...

Pizza the Hut. The Gipper. Ajay Bruno. Whatever you know him as, I knew what I was in for. They were trying to brainwash me. They were going to warp my mind, and then send me back to the states so that I would vote for him. I was afraid. I had heard so many horror stories of his treachery that I knew this couldn’t happen. Not to me. They locked my head to the chair, so I couldn’t turn my head or close my eyes. I tried to break free, but they beat me when I struggled too much.

For days I sat in that chair, with no food, no water. I thought I might die there. But one day, someone different showed up. He spoke to the guards, but even in my addled mind, I could tell that he wasn’t a Serb. His accent was all wrong. It sounded smooth, and sweet. Like… maple syrup.



Mmmm...

A Canadian? What was he doing here? I had no idea what was going on. I was afraid. Maybe the Serbs had brought in an outsider to finish me off. I hoped it would be quick. He strolled in, as I could hear the guards’ footsteps heading away from my room. We were alone. He slowly looked around the room, then turned the projector off. He looked at me, and asked if I was okay. I didn’t have the faculties to fully respond, but I tried to nod. He nodded back in understanding, then knocked on the stone wall three times. All of a sudden, a rumble rose up from inside the walls, followed by a quick and terrifying explosion.



Action!

The wall crumbled next to the Canadian, and next to him appeared a glorious, helmed man, muscles rippling beneath his armor. I immediately recognized him from the stories. It was the BAMF-Tank, John Largo! Behind him stood the furious Saiyan, John Killah. I realized that they were here to save me!

The guards came running back down the hallway, and Largo broke through the door to easily dispose of them. As he crushed the puny Serbs, the Canadian began to untie me. As he did, he whispered in my ear, “Feel the AMPs.” Immediately, all of the despair and pain of the last few days melted away, and I felt invigorated, as if I could take on an entire Serb battalion on my own. He finished untying me, as the Killah kept watch, ready to open a can of whoop-ass on anyone who needed it.



Also available in diet, caffeine-free, and cherry.

As I stood up, the Canadian shook my hand and said his name was Code-Y, and that they were going to take me back to the States. I knew that I wanted to grow up to be just like these heroes one day. And, well, that’s why I’m in AMP. Well, that AND Greeling.
TL😉R Version: RGR is evil. AMP eats Serbs for breakfast. Join if you want to have some fun.
Once again, thanks for reading. Make sure to vote and subscribe if you liked what you saw. Shouts are also greatly appreciated. I should be writing some more stuff pretty soon, between congress elections coming up and all the amazing World Cup action. Trust me, there is plenty more on the way.