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CP elections are 12 short days away, and what with the sudden surge of interview articles in our media, the Black Lion Rampant has decided to cash in on this latest craze. We staged this early campaign interview with MDP Presidential candidate, Xander F. Kross.



BLR: Hello, Mr. Kross, and thank you for agreeing to this interview despite your hectic schedule.

XK: My pleasure! And might I start off by pointing out that you look fantastic today.

BLR: Why, thank you very much, but this is hardly the time for flattering one another like a pair of stupid hippies. We need to talk about the issues!

XK: I couldn't agree more. Ask your first question, maggot.



BLR: Why would you wish to run for the office of President?

XK: Because I love my country, and wish to see it thrive instead of stagnate. We've been toiling under a tepid beige yoke of mediocrity as though we were incapable of achieving greatness. It is my wish to spur eCanada into action; I will not lead us to greatness, but will help our citizenry unleash the greatness that lies within.

BLR: Your party has fallen on hard times, and you are rather a polarizing character. In fact, in the past, you've been called a terrorist, a fascist and - more than once - a poopyhead. What makes you think you can win this election?

XK: To be honest, I do not expect to. But neither did Molly Jo last election, and I'm way more awesome than her. If the right people decide to step up and take this country back from the mealy-mouthed hippies currently ruining it, I'll gladly step down and vote for them. If not, I'm going the distance, and anyone else planning on running against me had better prepare for a no-holds-barred cage match. And if I do win, it's go-time.



BLR: What issues do you plan to address if you somehow manage to wrestle a victory out of this election?

XK: First - inactivity. The way to conquer that is to make eCanada interesting again. If the country is interesting, its people will become engaged. If it continues to be a boring cardboard box of complacency and apathy, it will wither and die, and no one will miss it when it does.

Secondly, I plan on calling for the highest rate of taxation we can handle. I don't imagine that policy will be terribly popular, but it is a needful thing. It will help to fund government initiatives and war.

Thirdly, I plan on picking a fight with someone other than eUK for the eleventy-thousandth time. Someone bigger, meaner and more likely to upscale the fight. That's going to be expensive, so we'll need all that tax money, and probably additional donations.


Happy now, hippie?

Fourthly, I plan to incite civil unrest. I should clarify that - I plan to do these other things I have already mentioned, which will cause civil unrest to follow because stupid hippies can't keep their dumb monkey-faces shut, and I do not plan on backing away from arguments just to be "political."

Lastly, I plan on keeping "Democracy" to a bare minimum, inasmuch as it is within the Country President's ability to do so. If something can be done without having to wait around for the bickering monkeys to finish flinging poop at one another (i.e. Congressional voting), I will endeavor to do so.

BLR: Those sound like rather extreme and possibly unpleasant campaign promises. Why would anyone knowingly vote for that?

XK: We need an extreme turn of events to pull eCanada out of what appears to be a downward spiral. "Business As Usual" government is no longer a sustainable policy. It's time to nut up or shut up. "Happy kisses" and "stay the course" campaign promises are more attractive, and that's what the hippies and lazy politicos will be promising, but that's what got us where we are now. "Stability" is stagnation, and stagnation is lethal. People leave when they get bored. My presidency would not be boring.



I think people will vote for honesty. Probably not a lot of people, but some. And I believe that enough of the right people know that my antagonism springs from a desire to do what is right.

BLR: What will your cabinet be like?

XK: I haven't asked anyone yet, but it will be small and exceptional. The positions will be:

Prime Minister
Minister of Foreign Affairs
Minister of Defense
Minister of the Interior

The Ministry of the Interior will incorporate Education, Welfare and other domestic affairs departments. The ministers may elect to employ Deputies if they wish, and I may bring on 1 - 3 Advisors without portfolios.

I have people in mind for all of these positions and will be approaching them shortly.



BLR: Sir, thank you once again for taking this time to speak with us and our readers. For what it's worth, you have my vote!

XK: And thank you for publishing such well-written, deeply-thought-out and side-splittingly-hilarious articles! You are truly one of eCanada's greatest national treasures.

X4CP 09/15!