How To Immanetize the e-Eschaton

Day 5,522, 13:51 • Published in USA USA • by Pfenix Quinn
How To Immanetize the e-Eschaton
FUPQ is your source for the best in eRep mystical-scientific studies. This journal is the bastard child of the Socialist Freedom Party, an essential turbo-charger of the Global Anarcho-Syndicalist Movement, and an old batch of Amish Friendship Bread starter.


How To Immanetize the e-Eschaton
OR: Don't be blue -- vote PQ!


You hear it all the time... eRep is dying... we are near the end of this game... what a boring shit-show... I just can't quit you... nothing interesting ever happens any more... does anybody more than 100 km from the Danube really give a crap about these balkan rivalries... sure emerick was a huge dick but at least he was interesting... and so on and so forth, ad infinitum, over and over.


Well boy, howdy! Let's do something about it!

Like, put a fork in it.



Other candidates promise this and that. You know. All "rational" stuff and and "good governance" and whatnot. Like....

* Carry on with efficient training wars. (Zzzzzzz)
* More media and better communications. (Pppffffttt)
* A change at the top is overdue. (ya think?)
* The only "outsider" or "alternative" candidates are like, on the one hand, some bat-shit crazy qcumber likely spawned by an illicit and unholy coupling of a Fox News sycophant and an psychotic incel "alpha" with too much time on their hands in a Romanian jail cell, and on the other hand, frucking Ajay Bruno. Yikes.


My candidacy, on the other hand, offers a complete end to everything in a huge blaze of chaotic glory that will be remembered for all time! Or at least until a Mastadon squishes the last known tweet, if you catch my draft.


My candidacy promises something entirely different ... AN EXCITING END TO EVERYTHING! You heard me right. Every story needs a good ending. I promise you a doozy!

Artist's rendering of PQ being all immanetizing and shit


"But PQ", say my family, friends, fellow Party members, life-partners, neighbors, band members, random grocery store clerks I've cornered, and my closest advisors, "you barely understand the basic mechanics of the game. Jesus, dude, for someone whose been playing for so long, you're the farthest thing there can be -- aside from Paul Proteus maybe -- from a tank. Your Party consistently struggles just to stay in the Top Five. Most of your articles are so bizarre they're practically unreadable. And you're like ten thousand years old. What makes you think anyone wants you to be Country President?"


"Easy," I tell 'em, "everyone loves a big ending."

"Oh-ho-ho-Ho!", they say, and then insta me things like... ...and I'm like "No! Well, ummm... Oh. Oh my-y-y-y. No. No. No! Hmm.. No. That's not what I'm talking about you, you, you lewd prurient locker-room guttersnipes!

"What I mean is that I have a plan for a glorious ending to eRepublik. You know, like the last big blast of fireworks on New Year's Eve!"







(dramatic pause)









OK. Here it is. It's not a plan exactly. More like, let's say, an aim. Or an intent. OR a plot. Yeah, that's the ticket. Like a gunpowder plot! ... Nah. Maybe it's more of a scenario. Anyway! It's awesome...



First, elect me, PQ, as Country President for Life. That will eliminate the need for these ridiculous "elections" every 4 weeks. I mean. Yikes. What a bore. I won't be a Dictator. That's no good. More like a kind and benevolent Emperor who has the Mandate of e-Heaven.

Next, abolish the We The People (WTP) party. Because they're kind of annoying and don't participate nicely in Congress and whatnot.

Then, abolish the Federalist Party. Because they're old and in the way and most of them don't even know how to log into the game any more.

Somewhere in there, abolish Congress. Because, honestly, who doesn't want to abolish Congress at this point?

Third, merge the Rough Riders, Black Sheep and 506 parties into the Socialist Freedom Party, which, after all, as noted at the top, is the turbo-charger of the e-Global Anarcho-Syndicalist Movement. Because everybody loves a good e-GASM. We'll call the merged party... "the Socialist Freedom Party". Such a good name!


Prototype for "PQ, Our Glorious Leader" propaganda poster


Once all e-Americans are happily united into One Big Happy Party, with One Awesome Leader (me), then we can set about creating Total and Eternal Peace in the New World. Since the game is based on the, let's be honest, rather cretinish idea of eternal warlike conflict, establishing world peace will naturally bring about the long-awaited demise of eRepublik once and for all.

Heaven on e-Earth. The eschaton will be immanetized. No more wars. That will mean no more reason to make and consume all that silly stuff like saltpeter, exploding candy bars, and whatnot. No need to expend energy. So no need to mess with pretend food, houses and fuel either.

We can all sit quietly, or wander aimlessly, as is our wont, mindfully contemplating what it is like to have actual conversations and social intercourse with other people instead of endless quarrels over made-up fuss and bother. It will be a blissful mass parinirvana, as we all pass together into the next e-realm!


Artist's rendering of chickensguy regretfully thinking "Wish I'd Thought of That!"



Oh. But nothing is ever quite as easy as it sounds, is it? So... I've come up with some super-handy transitional steps. Mostly aimed at convincing large swaths of players to flee for the exits.

The first step in geo-political transformation is simple and obvious. Abolish all the existing alliances and form One Big Alliance containing all countries. Called something like "The One Big Alliance". Or maybe "The Borg".



The final coup de grace will be accomplished by bribing Plato to take the following actions...


1. The immediate establish of a Kurdish Republic.

2. Merge Serbia, Slovenia, Croatia, Macedonia, Montenegro, Bosnia AND Bulgaria into one country, called "New and Improved Yugoslavia"

3. Combine all the western European and Nordic countries, barring the UK, plus Greece, Poland, Hungary, Czechia, Slovakia, Switzerland, the Baltic countries, Romania, Moldova, Georgia, Armenia, Ukraine, Cyprus and Israel into one unified country called the "United States of Europe".

4. Break up the "United Kingdom" into 6 mini-countries, merging Northern Ireland into the Republic of Ireland, and creaating the following Republics: Scotland, England, Wales, Isle of Man, and Cornwall.

5. Merge Pakistan and India into one country called "The Union of Soviet Socialist Mughaldoms",

6. Merge the USA, Canada, Cuba and Mexico into one country called "Mexico".

7. Merge all the remaining countries in Central and South America, plus Australia, New Zealand and Philippines into one country called "South Mexico".

8. Eliminate all other Asian countries except China (PRC) from the game.




That's it! OK. The CP election is just around the corner. This is your chance. You know what to do!!!...

Don't be a knave -- ride the wave! Vote PQ -- it's good for you!



xoxoxox, hugs to all, and Happy New Year! -- PQ