Despatche Radio (AM Útvarp Vinland)

Day 4,365, 21:06 Published in Switzerland Japan by Violence Seth


Oh man, oh boy, have I got a slice of cake for you this evening out there in from the left to right, we have the scintillating hunks and hunkettes of Scandinavia, the lushest lassies and lads of Scotland, the pointless potato goblins of the moss rock they call Ireland and last but not last, the home of your favorite station and your favourite host, it's me, it's R-R-Rockin' Red Ericsson on AM Útvarp Vinland! home of the incandescent, irrepressible Icelanders. If a country was sex it would be Iceland, all that tectonic friction baby! Whoa! Oh I forgot to mention some Eastern part of Canada that picks us up too... Ah it must be the nubile and naughty Newfoundlanderites! You're all looking good to Red out there, except you Ireland and that has nothing to do with my divorce, okay!? So stop sending me pictures of her with different men, it's getting old.

So, one of our drones, a lil' scrawny man Björn came into the break room like he'd discovered a new element. Turned out he'd managed to get two of the five US President's in exile to agree to interview together. I was gonna turn him down and send him to my gym until he mentioned he'd got Felthaus. The grapevine had a whole section devoted to this lil' weasel. So being the savvy, muscle lord you all know and love I let the lil' guy run it. It turned out intense. Guys in suits, it went full Rasa Blank, but you know I can't talk about all that. Too soon, don't want anyone to get hurt. Well the lil' guy done it, backed it up too before the suits got grabby. That's right listener, you'll get to hear it right here, right now on AM Útvarp Vinland. Get your tea, coffee, your 4's, whatever you need because it went wild! I'm gonna give you a head start, playing a Luna Bluffs track, then setting this up to play, don't go away this is R-R-Rockin' Red Ericsson and you're listening to AM Útvarp Vinland



Björn Jónsson: Gott kvöld ladies and gentleman and welcome to a very special broadcast of the Viti, I am your host Björn Jónsson and tonight we have a truly landmark event. After long and careful negotiations we have both his Excellency, President Sonny Peter Milles, President of the United States of America's government in exile and the Honourable Joshua Levi Felthaus, Chief Council of the Pacific American Union. Both have kindly agreed to sit here with me this evening to discuss the growing fiscal crisis facing ordinary civilians globally. Our sponsor this evening is Crane Audiotech who have kindly upgraded our sound stage to near laboratory conditions and of course Korp Energy, fighting for energy, for an energized tomorrow.

Björn Jónsson: Gentlemen, welcome to AM Útvarp.

Both men nod stiffly.

Sonny Peter Milles: Borje, I'd like to extended an honest to goodness welcome to your listeners out their, weither they're at home or at work, that's right at work! Making it happen. On behalf of the United States of America I want to make it plain and clear that...

Joshua Levi Felthaus: It's pronounced Bee-yorn Sonny.

Björn laughs awkwardly as the audio booth goes deathly silent.

Björn Jónsson: Well, they say it's best to get the nerves out of the way as quick as...

Sonny Peter Milles: Nerves!? I'm on ten 4's and fresh from a nap. Ask Josh to say hello to the listeners without embarrassing himself.

Joshua Levi Felthaus: Typical avoidance, Sonny wouldn't know how to...

Sonny Peter Milles: It's called evasion moron and you're doing it right now. See this is why I said no to this. The office of President of these great...

Joshua Levi Felthaus: These great what Sonny? The great "Frontier" Zones? The red hell of...

Björn Jónsson: Gentlemen please! I know you are both pressed for time but the world wants to know what...

Sonny Peter Milles: The United, yes you heard me, the, underscore, United States will answer any and all questions having to do with these important topics and having taken the solemn vow to act as President, I will take on these arduous, difficult endeavors as Leader of the Free World. End of discussion.

Joshua Levi Felthaus: The Pacific American Union does not recognize the authority of this deranged, sociopath. With in as to your regard to the question we would have answers provided simply if Sonny Milles was running the show but not a second longer. Thank you.

Björn Jónsson: I'm sorry Gentlemen, I couldn't understand a word of what you've both said, my English isn't as eloquent. Could you express your viewpoints in a more intelligible, comprehensible way so the average listener could understand?

Joshua Levi Felthaus: I'm willing to answer any questions relating to the topic at hand.

Sonny Peter Milles: The topic isn't important. The only thing that is important is the people! Ordinary Civilians, Priority or not have simply got to make room for our combat veterans. The men and women who fight everyday to keep those stars and stripes waving in the breeze across the world.

Joshua Levi Felthaus: I agree, our veterans should receive better support but in order to...

Sonny Peter Milles: But! There is no but, butthead!

Björn Jónsson: Gentlemen please! Let's keep it civil. Children are listening.

Joshua Levi Felthaus: You are completely right Bonor, I apologize on behalf of my compatriot.

Sonny Peter Milles: Right, good! I'm glad you see me as the patriot I am and need to be for my country.

Björn Jónsson: Okay! I think it's time to take a quick break! We'll talk about the global fiscal crisis and it's impact after these messages from our sponsors, stay tuned.



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Björn Jónsson: Sorry for the delay folks, once again I'm joined by President Sonny Peter Milles and Chief Consul Joshua Levi Felthaus. So... Gentlemen, now that we finally have you in a room together, I implore you to answer this simple question. My career is over, my English was simply too ineffective and for that I take full responsibility. My question is, and what our listeners have surely been waiting to hear the response to is, what are your opinions on the current fiscal crisis and what measures can be...

Sonny Peter Milles: Borg? That's your name right? The way I see it there is only a...

Björn nods his little blondie 'fro, his eyes sad and empty.

Joshua Levi Felthaus: His name's isn't Borg Sonny, it's Byarn and the way I see it Sonny and his pals down in Florida need to get off their pontoons and stop play acting.

An N.A.F Agent knocks on the sound room window.

Joshua Levi Felthaus: What I meant to say is tying our debt *knock, knock* I mean making our debt available to our international eh... allies? *knock, knock* to open competition, not only stabilizes international monetary practices, it also leads to new, oh G*d, new and exciting trade agreements that will create a vibrant prescient internationally. So... to summarize; the Pacific American Union's currency will take a minor hit in the coming months but it's all apart of the further modernization of our sovereign national market and any of our Military, Civilians, Priority or not will receive an appropriate tax rebate to cover the cost of this minor economic turbulence. Thank you.

Björn Jónsson: Wow! How very... lucid. Am I saying that ri... Sorry, President Milles have you anything to say in response?"

Sonny Peter Milles: Ah ha! I f&*#ing knew it! This is war Felthaus! No, don't you try cut me off, I have a sniper on you. I'm calling all the honourable M.U's to step forward, the Academy, the N.A.F. It's all a lie, built on f&@#ing quicksand! I was voted in by a 71% majority! This whore Felthaus is just a..."




Alright! Told you it was wild! Things got a little bit hectic after that but man what a take! I'd tell you what went down but you know me, when things get heavy, don't ask, don't tell. Now don't go touching that dial! It's the top of the hour, eRT 21:00, this is R-R-Rockin' Red Ericsson and your listening to AM Útvarp Vinland and coming up next we have a track from harlot country, this is some jerk calling himself Anto Blanko. Sponsors say I have to run it. I dunno what it's called... Okay Olaf, stop whining! It's called Japaneasy... Like my ex-wife.




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